Uphill Battle

Depression is debilitating. Literally, you can’t work through it. Motivation goes out the window, your body hurts, you can’t focus, you feel like crap, and you just want to sleep. It does go away, it does get better. But in those moments, you feel like you will never be happy again.

You try to do things that make you happy, but all it does is just makes things worse because you are forcing yourself to do something. I find it’s easier to do something you don’t want to do, because you’re not going to like it regardless of your state of mind.

Everything is negative. Everything is stupid. And you don’t want to do anything anyway. Just sleep. Well, guess what? You wake up and you still feel the same. Doesn’t help anything. Everything in life is dull and you fail to see beauty and happiness in the things that used to make you happy.

Getting past the hump of when depression is the worst is the most challenging task I think I have ever done. You just have to keep truckin’ and not let the darkness take over. I have mentioned before what it’s like when the demons take over your conscious as well as your unconscious. It’s terrifying, and I won’t let it happen again. So, I’m fighting this uphill battle with trying to stay on top of my emotions.

jainismI attended a chakra and archetype class a few months ago where I started to learn more about the religion of “Jainism”. I started researching, as it sounded very similar to what I believe in, and it’s very in line with my deep morals and beliefs. I feel I have become less spiritual lately, and want to focus again on bettering myself and rising above all this negativity in the world. If you are interested in learning more about Jainism, it’s basically the principle and practice of nonviolence. They don’t believe in a single God, but they do believe in many Gods who have achieved enlightenment. I don’t have the mental capacity yet to say I want to achieve enlightenment. I mean, that sounds great, but I can’t grasp that concept in my real life. What I do really appreciate about this particular religion is the atmosphere and feeling that we should fill the world with love and peace and not even let our thoughts be negative towards another person or thing. To just love. Not that I’ve entirely forgotten about that, but I notice I’m not actively practicing it, and I am allowing the energy of outside influences affect my inner peace.

Some of the things that almost always interrupt my peace is what’s happening in the world. A big one right now is the political debate. Voting time is upon us, and the news, the internet, social medias, and everyone’s thoughts are a revolving door of new, negative, and heated things about each candidate. Personally, I feel politics are out of the scope of what I’m here for. I stay out of it, not because I plead ignorance, but because I feel there are bigger problems of the overall mindset of the country. Placing law after law, and solving the symptoms of a bigger problem will not resolve anything. Take for example a dog who pulls on the leash. Putting on a harness, a prong collar, or any other training tool will not solve the issue. What is the issue then if it’s not pulling? THAT is the right question, now isn’t it? It’s the mindset of the dog who thinks it’s ok to pull on the leash. Stop the mindset and it doesn’t matter what tool (if any) you have on the dog. It’s not about the tool, it’s about teaching the dog pulling isn’t an option anymore. All behavioral issues have solutions if you change the neurological pathways on how they reach a decision. Which means teaching the dog to think. Teach people to THINK instead of REACT to everything and you have a solution. Fix the bigger problem, not the symptoms.

jainism2Anyway, struggling with motivation to work today, and I just need to buck up and get ‘er done. I don’t have a lot of on my plate work-wise right now, which is nice, because it seems I can’t handle much more than what I have now. We are working on the dog house this weekend, and the project seems very daunting. I’m sure it won’ be that bad, but this is work I haven’t done before, and with very little mental energy, I’m hoping more than anything I won’t just get in the way. I’m going to have to be taught, which means it will take longer to get things done. And constant teaching and supervising is exhausting, so I kind of feel like I have to be a fast learner. And in my current state of mind, I’m hoping I can pull it together.

Practicing lots of calming breathing exercises today, and listening to my meditation mixes. Just doing the bare minimum so that everything that needs to get done, is done, and then taking time to uplift my spirit today. For every one task, it seems it’s taking me so very long to prepare. I have used schedules in the past for myself to keep myself on track so I don’t become unproductive. That helps if I actually care. It’s when I don’t care that it’s a task to even follow a pre determined schedule. So send me positive, happy vibes and maybe I’ll have enough in reserve to come up with some positive, happy thoughts for myself today. I am trying my best.

Gay Marriage

Marriage-is-about-LOVE-gay-marriage-26811416-500-375Gay. Marriage. Depression. Sex.

A few things in my life. I am gay (well, bisexual to be technical). I am married, to a man. Just happened that way. I wasn’t particularly looking for a man, I could have ended up with a woman. But it just ended up that way. That’s ok, too. Depression, well, I’ve talked about that one before. And Sex. I LOVE sex. Who doesn’t?

Anyway, gay marriage. Let’s put those together.  GAY MARRIAGE. In my mind, this is a beautiful thing. 2 people meeting, finding love, and starting a life together.  To some, it’s repulsive. Why? Because it’s so misunderstood, religion, ignorance, lack of education, change, something new…

Many reasons.

Why do I see gay marriage this way? Because 1) I’m gay. 2) I think if you have to fight for something, you appreciate it more. You are fighting against society. You have to really FIGHT and take abuse in order to continue being yourself and loving someone.

Family. GAY MARRIAGES having CHILDREN together. A man and a man biologically cannot have child together.  A woman and a woman biologically cannot have a child together. Does this mean they can’t have children? No! There are other ways to have a baby. And these ways are beautiful.  These people have to work so hard for what they want in life.  Again, this is wonderful, and almost brings tears to my eyes to see something so beautiful.

Depression. Many people already suffer from depression, but imagine this: A gay man is married to a woman, and has a couple of kids. Every day, he has to lie to himself. Force himself to sleep with someone who he doesn’t find attractive, and in some cases – finds disgusting. Sexually, he is not satisfied by her. Physically, he is missing a part of himself. Is this right? In my mind, no. He is wasting his life, pretending to be someone he is not. So, depression sets in. Does he leave his family to be himself? Does he stay and live out a life that is a lie?

Sex. Woman on woman, man on man, woman and man. What is right? Why? We are in a civilization where people can BE HAPPY.  People get uncomfortable when we talk about gay sex. Why? Picture: A woman and a man having sex. Great, right? Now a woman on a woman:  Men and women alike seem to be fine with this as well. Now, a man and a man having sex: For me, I think it’s fine too – no change in feelings. For some people, this is unacceptable, and makes them cringe. Why?  To be, again, all sex is beautiful.

Discrimination.samesexmarriage

It’s an ugly word with many meanings. Let’s stay on topic and talk about gay marriage. The entire gay community has been discriminated against for as long as there were open gays in the world. Now, why? I have a theory. I see my gay friends, myself included, and I see different personalities. I think society has a problem with the more flamboyant gays. Ones that like to advertise themselves, as well as being gay. They like to talk about gay sex in front of straight people to get a rise out of them. They like to say ‘spread awareness’. But, would any other combination of a couple talk about their bedroom life so openly? Some would, of course. But, because the gay community has to fight so hard for what they want, it sometimes seems like they try too hard. Good intentions, gone bad, I think.

I like talking about sex just as much as anyone, and will openly answer any questions anyone has. Maybe not everyone would do that, but I don’t advertise my bedroom life, nor would I think my partners would appreciate that. Since I am married, I only have one sex partner, but that wasn’t so in the past. And I can honestly say, I don’t think any of them would like me talking what we have done in the past without their permission, or unless they were there.

As a close to this thought I had today, I want to point out, there are bad eggs in every genre of people. Just because someone is gay doesn’t mean they are a bad person, or a bad mom/dad. It doesn’t mean they are going to hurt someone or not do well in school. It doesn’t mean they can’t love. And it doesn’t mean they can’t be happy. It means they are different. And as a society, I hope we grow to accept all differences in this world.

STOP THE BULLYING! STOP THE HATE! STOP THE DISCRIMINATION. We all want to be loved and acknowledged. And here’s a funny video as thanks for reading my thoughts today.