Tag Archives: romance

Life is Great!

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forestI love my place! That isn’t just referring to the house though! I love the property and the house, and I absolutely love the plans that are starting to form to make it really mine ours. But what I love more than all of that is where I am in my life. I found ME and what that means. Of course, I’ll always still be learning about myself, and how to improve and make life better and more balanced. But where I am, what’s happening, what plans are being made…I’m so happy with my life and where I’m going. And because I’m in that place, I’ve attracted the most amazing person I have ever met and get to share all that happiness and excitement with him. Little things every day remind me how far I’ve come, and where I want to go. I wanted to find someone who could handle my hectic lifestyle and keep up with me, but also slow down and just enjoy each other’s company when we have a few minutes. He’s a perfect match for me. He compliments my strengths and brings out the best in them. He also helps me with the things I struggle with and makes me want to be better. Every day, he silently reminds me I had to go through what I did to be where I am. I would never have been able to fully appreciate him and love him the way he deserves to be loved. I truly see him, and appreciate everything about him. Even doing yard work together is something I enjoy doing with him because we are building this life together. Life is good, and I see it getting even better.

Something I have struggled with since I started my company was the work-life balance. I’ve never actually had ‘balance’, but I never really felt I needed it…until now. I knew it would be tough, but I’m over the “new business struggle” and now I’m an established company who is growing, needs help, and I desperately want to have parts of my life back while still enjoying and loving what I do. I’m now working towards that ‘balance’ that I now realize I need to be happy. Not only do I need this for me, I need this to nurture all the other areas of my life. I devote a lot of time to one area, and another one is neglected. I want to give enough that all areas can grow and be ok. I want to LIVE now that I have sufficient means to do so.

robheatherRecently, there have been many events that have brought the sting of being ‘married to my business’ to the surface. It hurts. A lot. I want to go on vacation; I have to plan months in advance to go. I want to take a day off; sorry… no, you have a company to run. I’m sick; buck up, Chuck. I work anyway or nothing gets done. If I’m not here, I don’t get paid and business stops entirely. I want to take a break; sorry..no. You can’t because then I work until 10:00. I’m hoping with some new plans I have brewing, that will change within the next six months or so. Doesn’t stop the ‘now’ from reminding me there aren’t enough hours in the day for me to do everything I need/want to do. But I’m working on it. Patience. I’ll get there. Just keep truckin’.

Also realize I don’t have the ‘unwind’ time from leaving work and transitioning to home. Another battle of the ‘working from home’ mindset. Thinking after I lock up for the night, I need to find a transition activity. Most people’s activity is driving home from work, I need something else. Maybe that’s a good time to go running or biking. Huh..food for thought.

Anyway, haven’t written in a while, and needed to update. So, in short: Life is good. And it’s getting better.

 

Gay Marriage

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Marriage-is-about-LOVE-gay-marriage-26811416-500-375Gay. Marriage. Depression. Sex.

A few things in my life. I am gay (well, bisexual to be technical). I am married, to a man. Just happened that way. I wasn’t particularly looking for a man, I could have ended up with a woman. But it just ended up that way. That’s ok, too. Depression, well, I’ve talked about that one before. And Sex. I LOVE sex. Who doesn’t?

Anyway, gay marriage. Let’s put those together.  GAY MARRIAGE. In my mind, this is a beautiful thing. 2 people meeting, finding love, and starting a life together.  To some, it’s repulsive. Why? Because it’s so misunderstood, religion, ignorance, lack of education, change, something new…

Many reasons.

Why do I see gay marriage this way? Because 1) I’m gay. 2) I think if you have to fight for something, you appreciate it more. You are fighting against society. You have to really FIGHT and take abuse in order to continue being yourself and loving someone.

Family. GAY MARRIAGES having CHILDREN together. A man and a man biologically cannot have child together.  A woman and a woman biologically cannot have a child together. Does this mean they can’t have children? No! There are other ways to have a baby. And these ways are beautiful.  These people have to work so hard for what they want in life.  Again, this is wonderful, and almost brings tears to my eyes to see something so beautiful.

Depression. Many people already suffer from depression, but imagine this: A gay man is married to a woman, and has a couple of kids. Every day, he has to lie to himself. Force himself to sleep with someone who he doesn’t find attractive, and in some cases – finds disgusting. Sexually, he is not satisfied by her. Physically, he is missing a part of himself. Is this right? In my mind, no. He is wasting his life, pretending to be someone he is not. So, depression sets in. Does he leave his family to be himself? Does he stay and live out a life that is a lie?

Sex. Woman on woman, man on man, woman and man. What is right? Why? We are in a civilization where people can BE HAPPY.  People get uncomfortable when we talk about gay sex. Why? Picture: A woman and a man having sex. Great, right? Now a woman on a woman:  Men and women alike seem to be fine with this as well. Now, a man and a man having sex: For me, I think it’s fine too – no change in feelings. For some people, this is unacceptable, and makes them cringe. Why?  To be, again, all sex is beautiful.

Discrimination.samesexmarriage

It’s an ugly word with many meanings. Let’s stay on topic and talk about gay marriage. The entire gay community has been discriminated against for as long as there were open gays in the world. Now, why? I have a theory. I see my gay friends, myself included, and I see different personalities. I think society has a problem with the more flamboyant gays. Ones that like to advertise themselves, as well as being gay. They like to talk about gay sex in front of straight people to get a rise out of them. They like to say ‘spread awareness’. But, would any other combination of a couple talk about their bedroom life so openly? Some would, of course. But, because the gay community has to fight so hard for what they want, it sometimes seems like they try too hard. Good intentions, gone bad, I think.

I like talking about sex just as much as anyone, and will openly answer any questions anyone has. Maybe not everyone would do that, but I don’t advertise my bedroom life, nor would I think my partners would appreciate that. Since I am married, I only have one sex partner, but that wasn’t so in the past. And I can honestly say, I don’t think any of them would like me talking what we have done in the past without their permission, or unless they were there.

As a close to this thought I had today, I want to point out, there are bad eggs in every genre of people. Just because someone is gay doesn’t mean they are a bad person, or a bad mom/dad. It doesn’t mean they are going to hurt someone or not do well in school. It doesn’t mean they can’t love. And it doesn’t mean they can’t be happy. It means they are different. And as a society, I hope we grow to accept all differences in this world.

STOP THE BULLYING! STOP THE HATE! STOP THE DISCRIMINATION. We all want to be loved and acknowledged. And here’s a funny video as thanks for reading my thoughts today.

Backstory

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A story about my life, and the struggles I am currently facing. It’s difficult because my life would be out there for everyone to see. But… maybe it will help people who also struggle with depression and/or have gone through a personal trauma.

Now, about me. I was diagnosed with clinical depression at the end of 2010. At the time,
there were quite a few traumatic events that took place leading up to a nervous breakdown, and eventually ended up with me at the therapist…because I tried to kill myself. Since then, I have realized I have always been depressed, though unable to accurately describe how I was feeling. I felt I had no reason to feel that way, and felt guilty because I was unhappy and sad when I should have been feeling happy and grateful for my life.

Since then, I have been medicated, gone through talk therapy, done self-improvement
programs, and discussed feelings. Some of it was effective, but when I was drugged, I was
numb. Instead of feeling sad and worthless, I felt nothing. I welcomed the lack of
feelings for a while, but then I felt like an empty shell of a person, just being a zombie
– going through the motions, but not really feeling anything.

In March of 2011, my husband and I adopted a gorgeous yellow lab, who is now a member of our family. He has helped me so much, and I can talk to him without feeling judged, lost, or walk like I’m on eggshells.
People don’t understand. When I open up and actually tell someone how I feel, they get
defensive or say ‘Don’t feel like that’, ‘Don’t talk like that’, ‘You know I love you’, or
‘You have friends you can talk to. Just talk it out.’. Yeah, well – because I haven’t
tried those before, right? Well, my dog doesn’t tell me those things. He just rests his
big head on my lap and licks my hand. In my world, he’s telling me that he understands and wants
me to know he’s there for me. With no words. He understands, and with just one look at me,
takes some of the pain away. He has become a crutch, and I depend on him to be there for me when I get home.

Napoleon

We thought about training him as a therapy dog. But his personality isn’t the right fit.
That’s alright, he’s still my crutch at home. I just can’t take him with me on trips or to
work or the grocery store. I just have to hold on until I get home and I’m with him again.

I love my husband, and I have talked to him about all my feelings. But again, there’s a
difference between a dog and a human. It’s not that I love him less, it’s that it’s
different. He tries to be supportive, but doesn’t understand how painful it is to be alive sometimes. When I try to tell him that, he gets upset. He doesn’t understand. We have been working through it, and he is trying to learn more about depression. He wants to try therapy again. Last time, my therapist wanted to talk about my childhood. I don’t want to
talk about it. There are a few reasons for that, which I won’t get into. Not yet.

This blog is about handling my depression and how I have/will overcome challenges. Right
now, I am in the process of opening up my dog training business. It has always been my
passion, and I am finally doing it. I am a ‘baby’ in this field, but I want to learn
everything there is to know, and become great in every aspect. I want to handle any
problem, any dog, and have any discussion (this includes the incredibly difficult
discussion of euthanasia). I want to be great, not just an average trainer.

Some of the challenges my husband and I have faced over last year have been trying on our marriage, on my career, and on my sanity. And I don’t exaggerate when I say ‘sanity’. We bought a new house in 2010 and had massive flooding problems. In 2012, we believed we had completely fixed the problem since we didn’t have problems for over a year. We struggled for 2 years to fix the problem, and rebuild 1/2 our home. Finally, we rebuilt and laid down new carpet. We refurnished our home – almost every piece of furniture in our house was bought new. We were finally done. This constant stress point put my stress levels and ability to deal with anything else at an ultimate high. For the last two years, this chapter of my life has been a constant struggle and pain point. Above that, we dealt with death, broken promises to each other, and loss of work.

This blog is going to be personal, challenging, and a journey for me. I hope that in writing this blog, I won’t be judged or seen any differently. For those of you who already know me, some of what I post will be a shock. I’m putting it out there, I’m not hiding anymore.