Tag Archives: ryder

First Day Of The Rest Of My Life

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Tomorrow my certification course starts at K9 Lifeline. I can’t believe it’s finally happening. For the past year, I have looked forward to this day. I found out about Heather Beck at K9 Lifeline and the certification program, and that I really could make this dream a reality.

You hear about it all the time with inspirational quotes and people who have turned their life around. Well, I’m now part of that 1% who have actually done it. I have tried so hard to go to as many workshops as I possibly could, read as many books as possible, go to seminars and purchase online webinars. I took classes on things that weren’t even relevant to training, but were to dogs (like my Canine Theriogenology course). I wanted to learn everything dog.

I’m now at a huge crossroad in my life, and I have made a choice. I am getting my certification, and I will be a legit dog trainer. All the hard work, all the hours, all the sacrifices I have made for this decision and the mistakes I have made along the way – it’s all paying off. And I’m doing it.

I am making history, so to speak, as I am turning my life around. I am overwhelmed with excitement, joy, nervousness, and the feeling of accomplishment.

I have made up my mind, my husband has been very supportive, and only a few times we have had a fight when we have had someone else’s dogs here.

The first time was a HUGE mistake of mine. I took a dog to ‘babysit’ (because I wasn’t officially boarding yet – I was doing it for free) for a few nights while a friend was out of town. That was Checkers. (WOW! Looking back at this previous post… I didn’t know much of anything. I won’t change it, so I can document my progress, but not a good decision to watch this kid!) He was too much for me (which I knew after the first hour of having him, as when I have boards here, they are on a pretty strict routine (boot camp, so to speak). He tried to go after Napoleon, he didn’t know his name, he was highly destructive, not kennel trained or potty trained, and couldn’t be left alone off the leash in the backyard because he scaled my 6 and a 1/2 foot fence. Yeah, bad idea. I didn’t even think to call for help, as it was my friend’s dog. He barked all night, and I didn’t have a bark collar. I didn’t even have a remote collar at that point.

Another disagreement was, of course, over Ryder. We got into it because we were at the end of the road with this dog. The family and I had made the choice, and I helped carry it out. The last remaining option was to save Ryder by adopting him. That was the only option besides ending his too-short life. My husband is a logical person, and he was right on this one. We couldn’t take him, as much as I wanted to. I was emotionally unstable and it turned into a pretty huge knock-down, drag-out fight. I hate airing my dirty laundry, but again – this blog is to be open and share everything. Even the hard parts.

Because of this experience, and the fact that I am not a positive-only trainer anymore, I have changed my business name. In loving memory of Ryder, my project dog, my new business is called Project K9. So, for all of you who asked why I picked this particular name, it has a meaning. This is why. It isn’t just a new name, but a new beginning. A reality check, and a way to learn from everything that has happened.

Heather Hamilton Mistakes Bipolar Type II Project K9 Dog TrainingSo, in the last year, I have learned so much from my experiences, from the rescues I have worked with, from Wasatch Canine Camp, K9 Lifeline and their staff, from my clients and their dogs, my therapist, the mistakes I have made, and of course, my family and friends, and my husband. I couldn’t have done this without the support of my friends and family, and the help I have received along the way. I have made so many sacrifices. I miss time with my husband, sleep, eating healthy, weddings, etc. I jumped into the deep end, and struggled to not drown sometimes. But I stayed afloat, even though I was exhausted.

It’s all paying off, and I’m going to do what I love. Thank you all for following my story. And for the support and love you have all shown me. I will be back in a week or so with more updates and to talk about everything I have learned in the following week.

Oh, and on a personal note, I am learning to control the ups and downs of having Bipolar Type II without medication. I have mentioned this before, but with the ups and downs of having a training business is hard enough. Then, add in a mental disorder, and it’s a party!

For everyone struggling with mental illnesses – keep your chin up. I can do it. So can you. For all of you who don’t have mental illnesses, but are struggling with a tough part in your life: Be strong. I know it’s hard. But you can do it. Just get through it because it will get better. Just grin and bear it. Just put on that happy smile, fake it to make it. You can get through it, and happiness is just as contagious as sadness. Try not to be a downer, and suck it up. Yeah, I’m blunt sometimes.

Just get through it.

His story comes to an end

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Hard decisions make us the people we are. We want to be the one to make the hard decisions and take charge of a difficult situation. Sometimes, this is easier said than done. Sometimes, we want to be the person who is being taken care of, instead of the decision maker.

You see, when you become a trainer, it’s not all about playing with puppies and teaching Sit/Stays. You have to work through the hard issues too. Hard issues like euthanasia of a difficult dog. Hard issues like the possibility of having an aggressive or dangerous, unpredictable dog in the presence of a child. Specifically a very large dog who is unpredictable.

You can work as hard as you can, but it’s not enough. Again, now is one of those times. I did everything I knew how to do and exhausted every resource. I made all the recommendations, and the family followed through with all the homework. They really did everything, too. But it comes down to how much progress has been done and how much more needs to be accomplished. It’s more than what I can do, it’s more than what the family could do. Even if he went with the best trainer in the world, I believe the outcome may have been the same. There was a ‘right’ family out there for him, but either it wasn’t the right time, they weren’t experienced enough yet, or they didn’t hear my cries for help. Either way, the decision has been made and the end has come. I also can’t think like that anymore – there is always something else to do. That’s a pet owner’s way of thinking, and I will torture myself thinking ‘What if?’. Thinking as a trainer, I exhausted all resources and didn’t come to this decision lightly.

The question needs to be asked, “Can you trust this dog to make the right decision?”. The answer was No. It has been no for the last 8 months, and I don’t see this changing. With dogs like this, you have to constantly be on your guard and be ready in case things go bad. The one time you let your guard down will be the one time something might happen. This dog was fine 95% of the time, but in those small moments when he wasn’t, bites have happened. A dog that gives no warning is the most dangerous kind of dog. A dog that is unpredictable makes this situation even worse. Even though he is sweet 95% of the time… the moment you let your guard down is when something will happen. This dog was not a monster, but sweet and confused. The product of a hard puppy-hood and negligence and malnutrition. He was a great dog.

It’s exhausting, and you don’t see an end. A decision needs to be made. Can you rehome the dog? Can you adopt them out? Is euthanasia the only option? How do you find the right home? What are the conditions of adopting out an unpredictable, dominant, possibly aggressive dog? What about liability? Is that a life for the family? Why should they have to do this? What kind of quality is that kind of life for a dog? And what if, at some point, he does finally get to be a decent dog? How much time will this senior dane have left? How much time will he get to enjoy his hard-earned freedom? How many people are willing to take on a project senior Great Dane who is likely to bite again? These were all things that we discussed. These were all valid points, and unfortunately, the answer was that in the most ideal family, and with the best training, he would still be a project dog and once the training was ‘done’ (because training is never ‘done’), he wouldn’t have much time left in his short life.

That’s always something to think about. At some point, you need to weigh the cost and quality of life for the animal. Euthanasia is a better alternative, and this way, he can be happy.

Sometimes, that means euthanasia is the best option. Weighing this option is never an easy topic. It’s never easy to think about or discuss, especially with a dog that isn’t yours. How do you even bring up this topic? What if you get attached and you don’t want to accept it yourself?

I have always been of the opinion that euthanasia was an unnecessary option. It was a ‘lazy’ option for people who didn’t want to fix the problem. But after seeing some of the best trainers in the United States have to make the same decisions, my opinion was swayed. I still want to do everything else to not have to make this decision, and I thought that when I had to discuss with a client, it wouldn’t be this dog. It wouldn’t be this client, and it would be years later in my training. But after exploring every angle, talking to the best trainers, and discussing options with the family, I am confident this is the right decision. Even though it hurts and feels like I’m being ripped apart. I know in my heart this is right.

What happens when you have to have this discussion, not only with a client, but with a friend? I handled it in a way that I knew how. I thought about how, if a trainer told me this was the best option for MY dog, how would I want to be told? These are my friends, and I love this dog. But that doesn’t mean it made it any easier. In fact, this made it harder. Part of the job – the hardest part. This is the part where trainers get judged the most, and where second guessing makes this decision even harder.

I’m trying to turn this around and think in a positive light. This will make me a better trainer. I’m sure I will have this same discussion again in the future. If I want to work with difficult dogs, which I do – this is not the last time I will discus euthanasia. I can do it, and I will learn how to better handle these situations. I can learn from this experience and I can learn from everything this dog had to teach me. I won’t forget anything, and I won’t tarnish his memory by making the same mistakes again. I will remember this dog and all the work the family did, the dog did, and how much I put into him. It’s not anyone’s fault it didn’t work out. I will get better, and just like Albert, I will learn from Ryder. To see all of Ryder’s progress, see his notes here.

I love you, kid.

R.I.P. Ryder
2010-2013

Taken on 7/24/13

Taken on 7/24/13

MemorialStone1

A Hard Decision

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Ryder2I have done everything. I trained, I trained my heart out with this dog. I went to workshops, I learned more about how to handle dogs like him. I have seen other trainers, and used their expertise. I have worked with the family, and they have done everything.  It isn’t their fault. It isn’t my fault, I know that too. But I can’t help but feel like I failed.

We have done training, we have sought out other trainers’ advice, I tried to find the right home to adopt him, and I have tried to adopt him myself. He is SOOOO much better, but not good enough.  It is no one faults’ but the person who had him from when he was puppy.

They just tied him up in the backyard and left him there with little food. The first 2 years of his life he was set up to fail. We spent 8 months undoing 2 years of neglect. And he was set up to succeed from the beginning. However… hard core, intense training is exhausting and hard for the family. I’m so proud of them for sticking it out as long as they did.

We cannot adopt him out because of liability. I didn’t even think about this before, but because I am the trainer, I am an ‘expert’ in my field. I am supposed to fix everything and be able to have answers to everything. I have sought out help from another trainer friend in my area. She informed me of the problems of adopting out a dog like this. I was completely unaware of the risks and felt pretty naïve once I understand why I shouldn’t.

Here are the reasons why he should not be adopted out.

-He has received 8 months of training from yours truly. Whether the family discloses the information or not, I am legally responsible for the training he has received so far. Which means I am liable if anything happens.

-He has the potential to do a lot of damage in the wrong home. There are not a lot of ‘right’ homes for dogs like Ryder. Someone will need to be home at least 70% of the time for training. No cats, no kids, and the family must have experience with difficult or aggressive dogs in the past.  The family must understand this is a difficult dog and potentially dangerous.

-Putting Ryder in a home that isn’t 100% perfect is setting him up to fail.

-Training him for another year or even a few years is not a guarantee he will get better. It’s just a recommendation. Meaning the current family or a new family could continue training forever, but he may not get better.

-Even if he does benefit from another 2-3 years of intense training, he is nearing the end of his Great Dane life at that point, and then won’t be able to experience what hard-earned freedom is like. His whole life will be spent with intense training. (Since Great Danes only live to be about 6-8 years old).

So, after many discussions with other trainers, the family, and my husband, we have all agreed this is the best decision and in his best interest to euthanize Ryder. This decision was not taken lightly and we have been discussing this since I took him to the Difficult Dog workshop. It was an option then, and now it is becoming a reality.

I am really struggling with this decision, and I still am. He isn’t sick, he doesn’t have a disease, but at the same time.. he can be dangerous in the wrong situation. And because he is a big dog, he is also harder to physically restrain if needed (which in the case of an inexperienced home, people tend to use physical strength as a training tool). This is not a good position for Ryder to be in – because he will bite.

Please understand, the family and I have talked at length about this decision and it really is the best thing. I don’t want to have to justify this decision over and over again. I don’t like explaining everything because it makes me want to throw up. It makes me want to be put down with him because I am a horrible person for letting this happen.  But inside, I know I’m not and I’ve done everything.

Ryder will be put to sleep at 4:30 on Friday afternoon. I will be with him, along with his doggie dad. I am going to spend some time with him today and let him know how much he is loved and that he won’t have to worry about anything anymore. He will be able to run free and play all he wants soon. The training will end and he will be free to do what he pleases at Rainbow Bridge.

Paranoid

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This quote really describes how I feel right now

Yesterday, I wrote about friendship and about how lonely I am. More and more I am noticing I am intentionally left out or not invited to lunch, to “girl’s night” or just dinner. My husband says it’s because everyone is busy and it’s the summer so people have things to do. Kids are out of school, and everyone is spending family time with each other. Is that true? That hanging out with friends is just not a priority, or is it me? It is because we don’t have kids, so we don’t fit in with this crowd?

I find myself getting ignored, talked over, and being completely forgotten. It’s not only in just one place. It’s at work, it’s with old friends, new friends, at home, in my neighborhood. Am I just blind, and not seeing when some people make an effort?

Again, my husband says that I’m just seeing the bad because I’m ‘in the darkness’ right now. Which is what we call it when I’m having a ‘depression episode’.

Nothing is wrong in my life. No horrible trauma has happened. Normal every day stressors are happening every day, but right now, it feels like every little thing that is going wrong is the end of the world.

For example, my husband asked me today, “You called me to tell me one thing, and now you are freaking out and getting all emotional. What’s wrong – what’s really wrong? Because you are throwing this out of proportion.”

Well, what is wrong…?

Maybe it’s because my neighbor’s sprinkler was flooding our front yard.  A company our neighbor hired went over to talk to them about it and my husband wants to hire them to work on our lawn.

If we hire them, we aren’t going to have any money. We will go bankrupt. We will have to eat ramen and mac and cheese, and we’ll get unhealthy and fat. We’ll have horrible skin and get acne. Then, we can’t afford to feed the animals, and they’ll have to eat normal store-bought food instead of eating raw.

And because we won’t have any money, I will have to get another job and work extra to make more money to make up for all the bills we are skipping. I will have to quit my business and then abandon my dream.

And what about how I feel? My heart won’t stop, I can’t catch my breath, I can’t see straight, and I couldn’t sleep last night because I was crying, and thinking about how no one likes me and really doesn’t want to hang out with me.

What if everyone is just pretending to be nice to me because they are nice people?  Am I that repulsive? Do people really not want to be around me? Well, I think I’m done then. I’m done asking people to hang out. I’m done expecting people to ask me to lunch. I’m done asking if people want to come over and walk their dogs with me or come have a drink. Or watch this stupid Vampire Diaries show, which I have never seen, but I thought it would be fun to do with some friends. I’m done asking people to be friends. I can’t do it anymore.

How do I handle all this? I put on the happy suit and go about my day – hiding my invisible battle. Hiding my feelings and just pretending like everything is ok. Because I have to fake it to make it. Right?

RyderFinally, a paid holiday off. Tomorrow is Independence Day. I’m not looking forward to the kids or the fireworks or the noise. But I am looking forward to no work, no training appointments, and I actually get to do something for myself for once. And I am boarding Ryder – a Great Dane I have been working with. I should really get around to writing an update about him. He is back and forth on progress, but overall, it’s one step forward, ½ step back every single day. Progress is incredibly slow, but he has made significant changes since we started working with him. He is way more balanced. Now that I know more about him since the workshop, I see changes, and I see respect and calm behavior… As soon as he feels he can be disrespectful, he will. Anyway, I will have to write about this later…if anyone cares.

Roller Coaster

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urlJust within the past day, I have gone from a decently content mood to the high peaks of Happy Mountain. When I get to be this happy, I tend to start waiting for the cliff of sadness to take over. Well, as it always does, it did. For no reason. I have no reason to feel sad. But I do anyways. STOP IT BRAIN!

I woke up early this morning and wasn’t able to fall back asleep. I took an extra long hot shower, decided not to do my hair, and make coffee instead. Mmm, yes. I do love coffee in the morning. Especially when I have time to add an extra kick to it! No, I’m not talking about vodka. Though Bailey’s would have been a good start to the day. I added cinnamon instead! It really kick started my morning. But I do still think Bailey’s would have been better.

Work was busy, so I was happy I was able to down a few cups of coffee in the morning before heading in to the office. I was working so much, I forgot to eat, so I had a late lunch. On my walk over to pick up an extra-delicious vegetarian sandwich at a deli nearby, I started to realize I have had a pretty good day so far. Which means… at some point in the future, I would feel sad. It’s a pattern that always seems to happen when I’m extra productive, or when I realize I’m actually feeling happy.

Maybe it’s a premonition of the future – because it always seems to happen. Or, maybe I make this happen by thinking it will happen. Either way, I know it’s coming.

So, I’m now on the lookout for signs of things that could ruin my day. It’s like I’m a detective, interrogating every person who might be hiding something, or an archeologist looking for treasures invisible to the unseen eye. Ok, that archeologist part was going a bit far, but I get pretty paranoid.

Work goes by without a hitch, and I realize I’m late for my training appointment. Great. This is it, I’m going to break down. I’m late, late, LATE!

No, this can’t be it. I’ll only be 5 minutes late, it will be fine. Ok, *breathe*

Got to my appointment 5 minutes late, and there was a time conflict. The client was having family over at that particular time, so I decided to work with Ryder on my own. No, he is not my only client, I promise! He is just my project boy, so I write about him a lot. He has come a long way, and I could tell today.

He still has a ways to go before he doesn’t need me anymore, but I’m so happy at his progress. Sometimes, it feels like he has gone backwards. Not this time!

We went on a walk by ourselves, so the client could chat with the visitors. This would have been relaxing, if it wasn’t so damn cold! The wind was fierce, and the bitter cold stung my nose and hands. But, I was determined to see Ryder’s progress within the last week. Honestly, each week, he’s marginally better. Slow progress, but he is a stubborn dog and also, my most challenging client. He is very strong-willed, and determined to be the leader. But, he is showing massive improvements, and I only had to give him a command once for him to obey.

I just kept remembering when we went to the outside social 2 weeks ago, and how wonderful he did. He was considerably less pushy than at the indoor social, and didn’t once try to get too close to a human. He tried to play with the other dogs, but he’s not quite ready to be off the leash yet in class, so this wasn’t going to work. Anyway, just reminiscing. Back to today’s adventures.

Once we got back, I was giving him some love on his ears, and I noticed he really didn’t like me touching his right ear. He started to mouth me, and try to get away from me. RED FLAG went up, and I checked his ear. Sure enough – ear infection. And a nasty one!

Later that evening, the client mentioned that his ‘lipstick’ was sticking out and hadn’t gone back in about a week! YIKES! Checked it out, definitely needs a vet. The family was asking me questions that I didn’t know the answer to (as I don’t have medical training), and called my awesome at home vet.

I don’t recommend any other vets because he has impressed me so much with how much he cares about the animals. Anyway, he said it was life threatening and pretty serious. He wanted them to take Ryder to the ER. Well, that wasn’t really an option, so we set up an appointment to have the vet come take a look-see tomorrow evening, in which I will be present. Ryder has some issues towards men, and as it has gotten better, it is still a concern.

This put a little bit of a cloud over my head, and another ‘warning’ as to the upcoming wave of sadness. Again, it’s like I have no control over these things, and even though there is nothing we can do right this second, it’s still hard to hear that this was serious and he needed immediate treatment.

Now that the session is over, I was on my way home, and the ‘end of the day droop’ started to settle in. Once I got home, it was like the shadow that was lurking so closely behind me, finally engulfed my entire mind, and I was lost.

Home is a safe place. I can be lost in my own home without feeling like I really am lost. I try to go to sleep. I stare at the ceiling. I play on my phone. I get bored, I find my husband – on his computer. Tell him I can’t sleep. He offers to snuggle. But I don’t want to. I want to blog. It helps. I’m ready to put this day to rest, and start over this roller coaster ride tomorrow.

Lonely_bench

 

Funny Blogger

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So, I found this blog today, and seriously… it’s really funny. I read a few of the ‘Best Of’s (Ok, I read all of them), and they are really REALLY funny. If you want a laugh, this girl does an awesome job on her blog.

I’m just finishing up for the day, and I have to run to the butcher before I head over to my Project Dog’s house. So, this is all I can post today. But I thought I would leave something funny in my wake today.

On a side note, doggie-sitting is all fun and games until someone gets licked in the face! hehe, just kidding. He’s been a blast! Adventure story of my week with a pittie is coming, everyone!

I haven’t forgotten, I promise! He’s still with us today, and possibly tomorrow, so I want to finish out our adventure before I start posting stories!