Suffocation

Just when I thought things were getting to the point where I couldn’t take any more, and there wasn’t anywhere to go but up…I get knocked right down again. Hard. Like, I can’t get up, and I have no willpower to continue.

For the first time since this whole thing started, I feel like it isn’t going to end. More and more bad things keep happening. Even itty bitty small things are being monumental. If I drop a dish, or have a dog have an accident in the house right now, I feel like I just might break down, have a panic attack, and I won’t be able to continue living. I somehow have been able to pick myself up every time. I don’t want to get up this time. I just want to stay down so I can’t get kicked down again.

Everything that I try to do is ending in failure. A complete disaster. One bad call after another. Every decision I am making is worst than the last. How do I continue on when I’m making decisions that keep making things worse? There is no right answer. The consequences of those decisions haunt me.

Heather  Hamilton Project K9 Depression Bipolar blog