Tag Archives: single life

Christmas Cycle

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PK9 Dogs

A few of my kids all curled up

thorinChristmas day started with white, beautiful snow on the ground outside. A lot of it – almost an obscene amount which made me glow with happiness since I LOVE snow and I love that we had so much. Especially on Christmas. I started a fire in the fireplace and watched the snow fall outside. I watch this particular serene beauty blanket the world. It really does look like peace on Earth. Dogs are snoring, asleep curled up in their beds. Dirty dishes in the sink, wrapping paper littering the floor, and I’m curled up on the couch in my comfiest pjs with my coffee. These are the little moments where I miss having someone the most. To curl up, drink coffee in front of the fire with the sleeping dogs, watching the snow. That’s my vision of a perfect Christmas. I better get used to having these alone from now on.

dishesI don’t miss the bullshit, it’s not worth it. Loneliness hurt < Betrayal/Trust broken hurt. Not worth it. But these are the moments where I really love spending it with someone special. These moments are the ones that tear me up inside and it takes a while for me to sew myself back together every single time. This wasn’t supposed to be this way. Not just anyone, but THAT person. Once I feel the hurt and the loneliness set in, the feeling immediately after is hurt and anger and betrayal. Seems I have a lot of that in my life. Seems people love to make me feel this collection of feelings. So, I’ll deal with the loneliness and I’ll compartmentalize these into a box that will remind me to leave my heart there. I have a hard enough time letting people in. Trust takes so long for me… then if it’s broken, it takes years to get it back. Just ask my ex napoleonhusband. He made one mistake that really hurt me years ago, and it took me a little over 2 years to be able to trust him again. It’s not my place to talk about the details of what happened, it’s his story too. After all that’s gone down between us, he’s still one of my best friends. I trust him. I don’t want to put myself out there to trust new people, it just seems to remind me every single fucking time why I don’t bring new people into my life. So, I’m sticking with the friends I know and who I know I can trust. I’m done with taking risks on people. I’ll meet people, sure. But they aren’t getting any pieces of my heart. Emotionally, I’m putting all that into a box. Doesn’t stop me from randomly crying about it though. I can’t stop it, don’t tell me to. Bipolar doesn’t work like that. ‘Just be happy’ doesn’t work for us. Sorry.

christmasmorningAnyway, my family came over, and we spent the morning together. I love spending time with my family, and I wish I had a little more flexibility to go visit them sometimes, but with my business, I can’t leave the dogs that long. And holidays are one of our busiest times because people go out of town. I love what I do, but I’m in the process of trying to make big changes so maybe I can go on vacation sometimes, or take a full day off, or visit my family. I feel a little guilty because Christmas snuck up on me this year, and I didn’t get any gifts for my family. I still plan on getting something really nice, but it’s hard because my dad has EVERYTHING! And gift cards are too mainstream. Anyway, I’ll figure it out! I was also invited to spend Christmas dinner with a client who has turned into a friend. I love her and her dog, and she gifted me a super awesome Jack Skellington shot glass. It means a lot, considering she wanted to keep it, and she absolutely loves it. I love Jack stuff, and she always finds the coolest little NMBC knick knacks!

danteI know I’m going through rapid cycling, because I’ve been really happy, and then really sad within a few minutes of each other. Went snowboarding on Christmas Eve, and that whole day I was off. I didn’t enjoy myself, and would rather just drink coffee, listen to music and watch everyone else ride. So, I did. That’s a rare occurrence when I don’t want to be up there on the mountain. Same thing though-snowy mountains with snow falling, Christmas Eve, and I’m by myself. First ‘single Christmas’ in about 10 years. It’s a much different feeling than I have ever had on Christmas. As I said, I better get used to it since I’m done with letting people in. No, I’m not self wallowing, just reflecting. Don’t feel sorry for me, I’m not asking for sympathy. Just want to explain feelings, and maybe someone else feels the same.

jinxAnyway, I have a showing for my house in a few hours, so I do need to clean up the wrapping paper, do the dishes, and sweep up all the dog hair. So I better get to it. Hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas.

 

snowboard

Perspective

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I have started to take a step back from life and gain perspective. Sometimes, this is the only way you can gain clarity. Being involved in the drama, the heartache, relationships…being IN IT is sometimes blinding. So, I have decided to observe a little more and be open to letting things go as well as allowing things to happen naturally. This seems counter intuitive, doesn’t it? Let me explain.

I have started to listen to other people and focus on their story instead of my own. Not necessarily fix their problems, but see if I can help them with clarity. Or just listen. My goal is not to guide them into choosing one side or the other, but to help them take a step back and look at their situation as a whole. Slowing everything down and helping them understand why they are in the situation they are in, what to do about it now, but also look towards the future without “getting stuck” on any particular part of those areas. This can be applied to absolutely everything in a person’s life.

loveI have also started to let go of stress and things that are out of my control. First – I cannot control other people’s actions or their feelings. As much as I want to help, understand, or shake someone and force them to make the “right” choice (or what I believe is the right choice), I have let this go. I can control me, my emotions, my actions, and my life. I am in control of my life. Second-I cannot control acts of God or nature or series’ of events that cause me to end up in a certain situation. If I can’t control it, I’m not stressing over it. I do the best I can, and I make the best decision in the most as I see fit.

I am in control. Say it. This is so empowering. I have the right to make my own decisions and my own boundaries. I have the right to say no. I have the right to ask for what I want. I have the right to control my stand in a relationship. I have the right to stand up for what I believe in. I have the right to control where my life goes. Feels good, doesn’t it. I put myself into the situations that have hurt me, and I’m not allowing people to do that to me anymore. That doesn’t mean I’m shutting people out, but I will no longer allow another person to have that much control over my emotion. I can enjoy being with people in many different ways, and that doesn’t mean I need to be a hermit. I’m finding the happy medium.

So, I’m going out and I’m doing it. One minute at a time. I have a long term goal, I have short term goals. And they involve me. As awesome as company is when there are fun things to do, I am focusing on me and I can have fun by myself. If I think ‘Oh, that sounds fun.’ I will do it, instead of thinking about doing it. Everything costs money, but what’s money? Just a thing you need to get what you want. I’m making it happen. Priorities.

I want land. I want a horse and chickens, and a bigger place to run my company. Why? To feel fulfilled. To feel important. To be needed. To be happy. That’s my livelihood goal. I want to go see places and learn how to do new amazing things. I want a lifestyle that will support the type of life I want. I thought I had big dreams. My livelihood goal being a big dream, I mean. It is.. But I’m dreaming bigger than that. I want days off, I want vacations, I want ‘getaways’. I want a self sustaining company. I’m paying my dues to make that happen. I see a future, and I’m putting in the time to make it into what I know it can be.

However, I am also seeing the now. I make choices that make me enjoy life today as well. Little things like coffee at the cafe while browsing the internet and listening to music, curled up on the couch in front of the fire reading a book, snowboarding in the gorgeous mountains with people who I enjoy their company, walking my dogs on trail and enjoying just being outside, swimming in a lake throwing a ball for my dog while listening to the birds chirp, hiking and drinking in the beauty of a waterfall, enjoying a meal while watching people in the city, dancing at a club feeling the music, I want it all. I have plans for a few trips this year and I’m doing them for me. I won’t say no if someone wants to join me, but I am going regardless if anyone does.

I am learning to stop worrying about other people. What they are thinking, doing, that’s their business. Worrying about it causes stress and anxiety, and I’m letting it go. It doesn’t matter, and it doesn’t benefit me in the slightest. I live for me. At the end of the day, I want to say I did something with my life. Big things. I lived and experienced. I also want to say I know how to ‘relax’, ‘take it easy’, ‘recharge’. To do this, I’m taking a step back from all the drama and just learning to be.

What’re your goals? How’re you applying this to your daily life?