We are in control of our own state of mind. Certain events can trigger emotions in a certain direction. Such as fear, anxiety, depression, hyperactivity. Adrenaline, dopamine, melatonin, serotonin…You know what these are. They work together (or against each other in certain situations) to create emotions. You have the power OVER your own mind and the ABILITY to guide these chemicals to stay in balance. I am not medicated for bipolar, depression, mania, insomnia, meltdowns or psychotic episodes. This is a CHOICE I made because I don’t want a drug controlling my state of mind. I feel like I need to be stronger than the chemicals, and stronger than the need to have drugs controlling me.
There have been certain events in the last few months that have caused me to feel a high on life. I learned to love me for me. I love my strengths, and I have accepted and have learned to also love my weaknesses. I saw how beautiful the world is and what it has to offer. I see beauty everywhere and in everyone. It wasn’t until I could see the world this way, that I found another soul who also sees the world the way I see it. I look into his eyes and I see everything. Everything he is, what he’s been through to get here, how he sees the world, and how he sees me. And his soul is beautiful, and I’ve fallen for him. Every day, I find a new reason to love my life and to keep trying to be better every day. I love where I’m going, and I’m finally feeling like I’m reaping some benefits from all the struggles I have faced in the last few years. I kept saying I needed some good things to happen. I was way off base. I needed to OPEN MY EYES to the good things and MAKE them happen. If I wasn’t in the right mental place, I would have missed this. I would have missed the beauty, and I wouldn’t have met this absolutely incredible person. I deserve to receive genuine love, and I want to give it to someone who is as deserving. I needed to learn to love myself before I could even reciprocate this. I didn’t even know what I was missing in my life. I thought I had gotten over the feeling of having a broken soul, and I was ‘whole’ again. Again, I’ve been blown away. I didn’t realize what ‘whole’ meant until now.
I have been faced with difficult trials regarding my business, my living situation, my psyche stability, and financial security. I have tried hard to keep a level head on my shoulders during this time, and I feel I have succeeded. I refuse to fall into traps that will suck me back down and take away the feeling of wholeness I have. Nothing can take that from me, and I control my state of mind. The world is not out to get me, and we are all faced with our own set of unique challenges. Some more difficult than others, and sometimes, it feels like everything is crashing down. Through all of this, my attitude has been that of it’s just a trial.
A very relevant analogy I have been thinking about today, is that it’s just another hill I need to climb, and I will push past it. I’ll overcome it, and there are always crests coming up. Sometimes, the inclines are steep and daunting, but there are always crests. This is the walk of life. And I am learning to love every step, even the hard ones. Even when I’m exhausted and feel the want to give up, I won’t. Because the rewards of completing just one more step are so incredible, that I don’t want to sacrifice them. The hills never end, we will always keep climbing, but we will get stronger, and sometimes there are downhills and plateaus where we can catch our breath. I will not stop, I will not be beaten. I will not miss out on something because I’m tired. I want to experience everything and grow. If I stop walking, I’m not moving forward and progressing. I’m in no rush to finish life. I want to enjoy the journey, the scenery, and feel everything. I took a much needed meditative hike today, and reflected on all these things. It was good to get some perspective and realize how strong my mind and willpower have become. I’m impressed with myself, and I’ll only keep getting stronger.