Tag Archives: therapist

Questions

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Down point again.

I get to an ‘up’ point, and then things start to collapse around me.

I try to stay strong. I put on a suit of fake happiness and try to fake it to make it.

I want to block out the world. I just want to snuggle with my dog.

But I have to power through.  How? I have nothing else to give? I’m empty.

I’m not enough. I don’t know enough. I’m not going fast enough.

I can’t slow down, I’m not allowed.

Everyone depends on me. So I have to stay strong. But how? How can I offer something I don’t have?

It sometimes feels like I haven’t started my life yet… I’m waiting. For what?

How long can I hide it before it’s too much?

bipolar

My therapist says I’m definitely bi-polar. I have a manic-depressive disorder. I feel like I’m on a tightrope. She thinks I’m doing better and can handle it.  When I’m ‘up’ I feel that way too. But now… can I handle this?

When things are ‘up’, I’m able to walk across and be on top of the world. When things are ‘down’, I feel like I might fall off. Then what happens? When I fall, will someone help me pick myself up and get back up there so I can fall again?

“Why do we fall, sir? So we may learn to pick ourselves up.” – Alfred from Batman.

What if I can’t pick myself up again? What will happen?

I have chosen not to be medicated. Why? I don’t know, maybe it’s a social stigma, maybe it’s because I don’t want to accept there is something ‘wrong’ with me. Maybe because I feel I have something to prove.

Why do I feel this way? Why do I want to cry for no reason? Why do I want to separate myself from society? Why do I want to give up, but can’t? It feels like there is a monster in me, tearing me apart from the inside so it can get out. What happens if it does?

Me

Overwhelmingly Elevated

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My therapist says I should get more sleep – regulate it. Make sure I’m eating healthy, and monitor my thought patterns. Well, I already eat healthy, and my sleep is … relatively normal. Except for when I’m elevated. And regulate my thought patterns – well, I’m awesome and super woman, and I can do everything… right? Sure, when I’m elevated.

What does this mean? Elevated?

This means I am at a ‘high’ point in my mood. A normal person feels sadness and happiness with all kinds of differences in between. I feel utter depression all the way to unimaginable joy. And I’m all over the place. My lows are the depths of hell, and my highs are mountain peaks. Obviously, we know depression isn’t good, but feeling like you are on top of the world isn’t good either. We want a constant, balanced state of mind.

mental-illness-art-a3ce9bb6a9a7cdbcHuh… why does this sound familiar? Because this is what we preach for hyper, adrenalized dogs. ‘Change their state of mind’. Teach them to be calm and balanced. And I have to teach myself how to do that as well. Will kenneling and mental exercises work for me? Seems my dog and I are on the same wavelength on a lot of things… he’s constantly ‘high’ and adrenalized. Apparently, I’m adrenalized right now too.

Right now, I’m on a high, and I can take on the world. So, because I have been on this high for over a week now, I have been incredibly happy with my life, and super busy. At work, at home, when I’m sleeping, it seems my brain doesn’t turn off. I’m always thinking, and I’m planning. Sometimes these highs last for a few weeks, sometimes a few months, and sometimes just a day. I’m all over the place, and I can’t find a balance. I just want to scream!

What have I done lately? I planned a pack walk for next Friday evening because I am no longer doing training on Fridays. I took Friday evenings off so I could study and have time to myself… and what do I do? I schedule a pack walk instead. It was an impulse thing, and I don’t regret doing it because I’ll learn a lot, and the dogs and people who will be coming will learn a lot. But I do wonder why I sign myself up for all this, when all I need is a break? I just.. have a drive that won’t quit when I’m elevated.

What else have I done? I started my canine theriogenology course last night, and finished up the workload for this week this morning (yeah… in one day). Then, I went straight to my social class. After that, I headed home and dropped off Napoleon, and the hubby and I went to a movie. Then, dinner, went home, printed off my paperwork, got ready for my obedience course and left again. Got home late, and started doing the work for my obedience course. We’ll get into that in a different blog post. RIght now, this is about me.

I also signed up for a therapy team (me and my dog) workshop. I signed up for this a few months ago, and my first class for my therapy-dog handler’s course starts next Saturday. Then, I come home, get Napoleon and leave again for my obedience course that evening. I am excited, but also worried that I have taken on too much. I did, didn’t I? I signed up for everything, but didn’t realize it was happening all at the same time.

So, because I’m doing all this, and it’s fun and exciting, and I’m worried. I’m worried because I know I’m going to crash. And then I’ll struggle to just get out of bed in the morning. So, now, I’m elevated, and scared. Which makes me not want to sleep. So, here I am, it’s after midnight, and instead of trying to sleep, I’m writing this post about how I’m worried and scared and elevated, and excited, and just can’t stop thinking.

Now, I think I’ll actually get my notes done from the trainings I had this last week. I didn’t do them because I was so caught up in making some material for my pack walk. Ahhhhh…..

Turn off brain. Please? Just STOP for a bit..

I need to breathe. I need to sleep. I need to recharge.

But it’s not going to happen. And that makes it worse.

bustedtees.ExcitedScaredMy therapist wants to medicate me while doing psychotherapy. I’m all for it, and I’m happy to do whatever it takes. But… if I’m medicated, I won’t feel like I’m on top of the world anymore. I want to feel like that all the time without worry of when the crash happens. I told her that and said they should make a drug that does that. A drug that makes you feel constantly like you can take on the world. She laughed and said they do make a drug like that.

It’s called meth. I need some of that.

Ups and Downs

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Just a cute picture of Max, cuddling with me

On any given day, I have ups and downs. The ups are where I’m flying and I can take on any challenge presented to me. My downs make me want to die. I just get overwhelmed and any decision at this point derails me and makes me want to break down and cry.

This is a normal day for me. Is this normal for a person who has bipolar disorder? I know that the ups are UP and the downs are death, but every day being a massive roller coaster ride of mixed emotions? It’s exhausting! I can’t catch up, I can’t keep the rhythm, and it changes so quickly.

I am seeing my therapist again on Friday. I have 2 weeks of data collected so we can find out what exactly is going on with me. She gave me a few assignments.

1)      Monitor my sleep. Don’t change it, just mark how many hours I get every day.

2)      Count my positive and negative thoughts every day. Ok, I haven’t been so good on this one, I don’t have an exact number. I’ll have to crack down on this one next week.

3)      Monitor my overall mood every day (agitated, anxious, happy, etc.) and if I was able to get some work done through these feelings or not.

4)      Be aware of thinking patterns. Don’t change them, just be aware of them. Also identify other people’s thinking patterns.

I have followed all these things, except counting my thoughts… I mean, I know a general ratio, as my negative thoughts are generally more than my positive ones. But I also like to think that 1 positive thought = 10 negative thoughts.

So, I’m excited to see what my therapist has to say about my data I collected, and I will work more on ‘counting’ my good/bad thoughts.

On another note, we are babysitting ‘Pittie’ again, and I just love him. He remembers our house rules, does awesome on the eCollar around our cats (I haven’t had to use it very much). He is such an awesome dog, and does wonderful things for Napoleon.

I’ll have to share our adventures next week.