Roll of the Dice

Have you ever had that feeling where you are so going through so many emotions at once, where you feel like you might puke? A physical response to an emotional problem. That feeling has been coming and going all day.

That feeling like you want to do everything. And at the same time, want to do nothing. You want to change the world with new ideas… but getting out of bed seems like a monumental task.

Or being painfully excited at the same time where you are run down and depressed. A brand new journey is about to unfold and things are changing, growing, expanding… but you can’t seem to mentally get past the fact that you don’t want to do anything at this given moment.

Where something really good just happened, but all you can think about is that one bad thing. Negative feelings always trump positive feelings. It takes 10 good things to make up for 1 bad thing. POSITIVITY… change can happen, it’s not always a bad thing.

You think you are hungry, but really, it’s nausea.  That feeling right before you throw up.

That moment when you wish you were medicated so you didn’t feel so overwhelmed, but at the same time, glad that you aren’t because you want to feel the high. The highs are so worth it.

bipolar_disorder_not_in_control_of_feelingsWhere the only thing you want is the thing you can’t have.

The feeling of loneliness, but at the same time, knowing how much you are loved.

It’s where depression and the manic cycle collide. It’s this black box where everything changes from one second to the next. It’s a spiral of devastation and wonder. A roll of the dice is how much control I have over how I’m feeling. It’s like I’m being controlled by the Game Master in Dungeons and Dragons. He decides my fate. All I can do is act and hope for the best. Roll the dice.

It’s exhausting, and invigorating. Both feelings fighting each other. A battle you can’t control. The feelings come in waves. One after another. The first one may be immense joy and happiness and excitement. The next ,despair, sadness, and depression. A second later, the third hits, and it is determination and drive. The cycle continues through all the emotions. Back and forth until I can’t stand it anymore.

The shaking starts. The fever sets in and vomiting is inevitable. I have no reason to be overwhelmed or overcome by emotion. I should be able to handle it. Why does this happen at the most inopportune moments?

Saying I’m living a roller coaster is an understatement. What is this even called?! Is there a name for this insanity!? Can’t sleep.. so I’m writing.

Disappointed in Therapy Animals Of Utah

PackWalkAs I mentioned earlier, I hosted a pack walk for my business. It was an awesome turnout! I met some of my clients and their dogs, as well as met a few new faces! I also met some people who aren’t my clients, but I know from our local pets page, and from our social class on Saturdays. Wasatch Canine Camp hosts this class, and many of these people are her clients. So, I tread lightly, as I don’t want to step on toes, or seem like I’m ‘poaching’.

Anyway, back to my pack walk. It was AWESOME!!! Total of 17 dogs came, and I arranged them according to how well they were behaving on the leash. I put the strong, well-leashed trained dogs in the front, and the excitable, un-leash trained dogs in the back. In the middle were all the dogs in between. I didn’t have to do much, as many of these dogs were behaving well on their own.

It was a success! By the end of the pack walk, 80% of the dogs were behaving well on the leash. There were a select few who will need some work, but that’s what this class is for!

The weather was beautiful, the people were awesome, and I successfully put my name out there again! I’m moving up in the world! Well… I like to think so…

packwalk2
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Now, on Saturday, I attended an all-day workshop about therapy dogs. I went through a society called Therapy Animals Of Utah (TAU, formerly called the Delta society). The goal was to get handler certified, and then have you and your dog be certified as a full working, therapy team. Meaning my dog and I are never separated when we are helping patients. We are a team.

The course was from 9am – 5pm. I gave up my only day off to come to this course, so my dog and I could be certified as a therapy team. Since I have been studying canine psychology for the last year, I knew about 85% of what was taught, and had my own opinions about the training methods used, along with the equipment I was allowed to use. I disagreed with some of their methods, and also with the equipment they said was ‘inappropriate’. They didn’t want you even training with certain equipment, which I thought was silly.

For example, any type of chain was unacceptable along with eCollar training. I disagree with this. Now, I think the prong collar should not be used on every single dog, nor does every single dog need it, but I have used this tool in my training in the past. I prefer a head collar, like the Halti (but never Gentle Leader.. not impressed) and just like any tool – a trainer should help you learn how to use it correctly. Their reasoning behind not using prong collars, eCollars, or choke chains was that it could hurt the dog or a person. I was stunned.. such an uneducated way of saying this. Prong collars are a great tool if used correctly. Of course someone can get hurt if it used incorrectly on the dog. ANY TOOL can hurt a person or a dog if used incorrectly.

They wanted you to use a back-clip harness, flat collar and a leash combination, or a martingale collar. Yes, these are all great, but I still really prefer the head collar. They said you can use it, but it is often mistaken as a muzzle, so you will have to explain yourself all the time with this. No shit.

Obviously, I’m starting to get irritated now. It’s like they were treating me like I didn’t know anything. However, I took deep breaths, and realized that everyone there (except me) weren’t trainers, and didn’t study the different equipment, or psychology. So… I listened, and just said ‘ok.’ Every once in a while when I had an educated question like ‘Why don’t you allow front-clip harnesses? I ask because a back-clip harness is promoting the dog to pull, and that’s the opposite of what we want, right?’

TAU2Anyway, back to the course. Right before lunchtime, we were broken up into workshops, and I was stationed at the grooming section. We were discussing proper dental care, and I asked a question, “I take a more holistic approach in raising my animals, and I would rather not put my dog under for anesthesia for a dental cleaning ever 6 months. I have moved to a raw diet and I give marrow bones to keep teeth clean, and I believe it does a much better job. I also use a frankincense/oil blend to clean ears because I won’t use anything that isn’t organic on my dog.”  So, after I asked my educated question, and explained my reasoning, the instructor said, “Actually, a dog that eats raw cannot be certified as a therapy animal. The bacteria in the raw meat that may be left behind on the animal’s mouth, lips, paws, etc is a risk to people who have a weakened immune system. Like people who are pregnant, sick, cancer patients, infants, or elderly people.”

I was shocked… and my heart dropped, I could hardly speak. I was at a loss. I ended up saying how ridiculous I thought that was, and how if a 3 year old who was sick touched another person in the hospital, it was more dangerous than my dog getting someone sick with ‘raw meat residue’ on the mouth. Which, I might point out – with proper grooming techniques, especially within a hospital environment, is improbable.

So, I went back to my place at the table and sat down… by myself… and proceeded to tear up like a baby while lunch was getting ready. I have been preparing for 8 months for this course, and to be evaluated. Napoleon is ready. I have managed his adrenaline levels, and every aspect of the course, he would ace with flying colors. This one little thing – this thing I wasn’t aware of until now – has completely thrown me off, and we have been disqualified. I was so upset that no one told me. I was upset that it felt like I wasted my time on Saturday – my only day off. And didn’t learn hardly anything. I was upset that I have put 8 months worth of work into my dog to make him a therapy dog, and now, we can’t qualify.

So, I took a walk really quickly, and then came back, and attended the last ½ of the course. I realized I also disagreed with some of the training methods they were using the rest of the day. For example, the dog would show signs of stress management (lip licking, yawning, whale eyes, turning body or head away, furrowed brow, etc) and it was the trainer’s responsibility to ‘assure’ the dog by giving praise and positive reinforcement for this behavior to make the dog feel safe. In my opinion, by giving the dog positive reinforcement when it is stressed, you are reinforcing this behavior, thus I don’t agree.  The way I would handle this would be to get the dog out of the situation, and then introduce slower and keep the dog beneath the threshold entirely. As soon as you start seeing signs of coping (again the stress management), I would back off, and slow down. I would also keep sessions between 10-20 minutes, even if the session is going well. You want to end on a good note. The instructors here also didn’t believe this, and just want to ‘manage’ the stressors and see signs of when the dog is finally done (tail between legs, shaking, whining, etc). In my opinion (again), I wouldn’t let it get this far. At this point, you can no longer train, the dog has shut down. It’s too late to use this opportunity to learn, and you might have pushed the dog too far.  This creates a negative memory about therapy work, location, situation, smell, etc – whatever the ‘trigger’ maybe next time, and now you have to worry about ‘fixing’ it instead of ‘management’, which is a lot harder.

Overall, I disagree with the restriction on raw, and I disagree with the core training methods used with this organization, and it’s probably a good thing that we won’t quality. I will need to find another organization that I agree with the training methods, and can happily volunteer for. It is unfortunate I lost a whole day, but at the same time, I am so happy that I did because I know what to look for in other therapy organizations now.

I feel I have cleansed myself of that seething anger I felt initially, and replaced it with acceptance and peace. I’m ok.

P.S.

By the way, you will be hearing less of me in the coming few weeks because I am studying my canine theriogeneology course, and I have enrolled in an obedience course with Napoleon. I need some time for me, and I won’t be on to update all the time, so when I do have time, my posts might be longer (like this one) than normal.

Overwhelmingly Elevated

My therapist says I should get more sleep – regulate it. Make sure I’m eating healthy, and monitor my thought patterns. Well, I already eat healthy, and my sleep is … relatively normal. Except for when I’m elevated. And regulate my thought patterns – well, I’m awesome and super woman, and I can do everything… right? Sure, when I’m elevated.

What does this mean? Elevated?

This means I am at a ‘high’ point in my mood. A normal person feels sadness and happiness with all kinds of differences in between. I feel utter depression all the way to unimaginable joy. And I’m all over the place. My lows are the depths of hell, and my highs are mountain peaks. Obviously, we know depression isn’t good, but feeling like you are on top of the world isn’t good either. We want a constant, balanced state of mind.

mental-illness-art-a3ce9bb6a9a7cdbcHuh… why does this sound familiar? Because this is what we preach for hyper, adrenalized dogs. ‘Change their state of mind’. Teach them to be calm and balanced. And I have to teach myself how to do that as well. Will kenneling and mental exercises work for me? Seems my dog and I are on the same wavelength on a lot of things… he’s constantly ‘high’ and adrenalized. Apparently, I’m adrenalized right now too.

Right now, I’m on a high, and I can take on the world. So, because I have been on this high for over a week now, I have been incredibly happy with my life, and super busy. At work, at home, when I’m sleeping, it seems my brain doesn’t turn off. I’m always thinking, and I’m planning. Sometimes these highs last for a few weeks, sometimes a few months, and sometimes just a day. I’m all over the place, and I can’t find a balance. I just want to scream!

What have I done lately? I planned a pack walk for next Friday evening because I am no longer doing training on Fridays. I took Friday evenings off so I could study and have time to myself… and what do I do? I schedule a pack walk instead. It was an impulse thing, and I don’t regret doing it because I’ll learn a lot, and the dogs and people who will be coming will learn a lot. But I do wonder why I sign myself up for all this, when all I need is a break? I just.. have a drive that won’t quit when I’m elevated.

What else have I done? I started my canine theriogenology course last night, and finished up the workload for this week this morning (yeah… in one day). Then, I went straight to my social class. After that, I headed home and dropped off Napoleon, and the hubby and I went to a movie. Then, dinner, went home, printed off my paperwork, got ready for my obedience course and left again. Got home late, and started doing the work for my obedience course. We’ll get into that in a different blog post. RIght now, this is about me.

I also signed up for a therapy team (me and my dog) workshop. I signed up for this a few months ago, and my first class for my therapy-dog handler’s course starts next Saturday. Then, I come home, get Napoleon and leave again for my obedience course that evening. I am excited, but also worried that I have taken on too much. I did, didn’t I? I signed up for everything, but didn’t realize it was happening all at the same time.

So, because I’m doing all this, and it’s fun and exciting, and I’m worried. I’m worried because I know I’m going to crash. And then I’ll struggle to just get out of bed in the morning. So, now, I’m elevated, and scared. Which makes me not want to sleep. So, here I am, it’s after midnight, and instead of trying to sleep, I’m writing this post about how I’m worried and scared and elevated, and excited, and just can’t stop thinking.

Now, I think I’ll actually get my notes done from the trainings I had this last week. I didn’t do them because I was so caught up in making some material for my pack walk. Ahhhhh…..

Turn off brain. Please? Just STOP for a bit..

I need to breathe. I need to sleep. I need to recharge.

But it’s not going to happen. And that makes it worse.

bustedtees.ExcitedScaredMy therapist wants to medicate me while doing psychotherapy. I’m all for it, and I’m happy to do whatever it takes. But… if I’m medicated, I won’t feel like I’m on top of the world anymore. I want to feel like that all the time without worry of when the crash happens. I told her that and said they should make a drug that does that. A drug that makes you feel constantly like you can take on the world. She laughed and said they do make a drug like that.

It’s called meth. I need some of that.

Self Inflicted Torture

I have hit the wall this week. After going 7 months of having 2 jobs, working 60-100hr workweeks, and all the doggy-sitting I have been doing, my brain is finally done.

I ‘crashed’ on Tuesday. I finally was just physically and emotionally exhausted. I needed a recharge. I had some down with some sort of stomach bug, or maybe I was just exhausted, I don’t know. Either way, I stayed home. I should have used this day to rest, but instead, I was too busy worrying about all the work I was missing.

businessnewdaily.com_I feel I do this to myself. I say ‘Yes’ to everything. I want to babysit, I want to foster, I want to train, and sign up for classes and go to socials every Saturday. Rarely do I actually not work when I am home. This past weekend, I had a friend come, and I specifically didn’t work. I didn’t schedule training, and it was really fun. We did all kinds of things. Went to social, watched a movie, ate sushi, saw my parents (while I was playing with my 3 year old niece). Then, the Pittie I’m babysitting was dropped off a few hours after I got back from dropping my friend off at the airport.

I have signed up for an obedience course with Napoleon, a therapy-team course so he can be a registered therapy dog, and a canine theriogenology course. I’m excited for all of them, but I have also registered for a 4 day workshop regarding difficult dogs later in the summer. And I also plan to get my Dog Training Certification this year (was July, but it has been postponed since I registered for this other workshop).

I want to relax, I want to be able to STOP. But, it seems my brain keeps going, even when it is exhausted. So, I’m writing my blog, while listening to calming music on Spotify. It is helping, but my brain is still working. It never stops.

This week, I have broken down and cried 3 times, including today. This is normal for me when I ‘hit the wall’. But, in public, no one will ever know this side of me. I put on a smiling mask when I walk out the door and I’m a happy person.

This.Is.Exhausting. Pretending all the time. But, if I act the way I feel, people will feel pity and sorrow, and I will be judged and talked about, and then receive the unwanted type of attention.

Tuesday, I saw a few clients I really like. The family, and the dogs, that is. Both dogs are showing improvement, though one is more of a project. Normally, I would be excited to see both of these clients. When I don’t want to work, this is a pretty big red flag for me. I came home, and sat in my bed, and just turned my phone on and off for a few hours, then went to sleep.

I turn my phone on and off repeatedly for some reason. I don’t know. It just feels like every time the screen is black, I might miss a notification or an email. And I can’t do that, no-I can’t unplug for a few hours after I get home. I know-it sounds crazy. Maybe I’m crazy? But, I can’t unplug.

OVERWORK

If my husband takes my phone, and the power is out.. it feels like I am trapped, and then I have a panic attack. It has happened in the past, and I don’t want that to happen again.

It feels like I’m torturing myself on purpose. Am I? Sometimes, it’s easy to be comforted by the familiar feelings of solitude while you are depressed.

I’m just.. on the verge of tears a lot these days.. More so than this time last year, I can be sure of. But.. I can’t stop. Because I have clients counting on me, I have work that needs to be done, animals who need feeding, and a husband who is trying with all his might to help me through this. I can’t stop because of all of that. So, I pick myself up, and start it all over the next day.

Ups and Downs

photo (4)

Just a cute picture of Max, cuddling with me

On any given day, I have ups and downs. The ups are where I’m flying and I can take on any challenge presented to me. My downs make me want to die. I just get overwhelmed and any decision at this point derails me and makes me want to break down and cry.

This is a normal day for me. Is this normal for a person who has bipolar disorder? I know that the ups are UP and the downs are death, but every day being a massive roller coaster ride of mixed emotions? It’s exhausting! I can’t catch up, I can’t keep the rhythm, and it changes so quickly.

I am seeing my therapist again on Friday. I have 2 weeks of data collected so we can find out what exactly is going on with me. She gave me a few assignments.

1)      Monitor my sleep. Don’t change it, just mark how many hours I get every day.

2)      Count my positive and negative thoughts every day. Ok, I haven’t been so good on this one, I don’t have an exact number. I’ll have to crack down on this one next week.

3)      Monitor my overall mood every day (agitated, anxious, happy, etc.) and if I was able to get some work done through these feelings or not.

4)      Be aware of thinking patterns. Don’t change them, just be aware of them. Also identify other people’s thinking patterns.

I have followed all these things, except counting my thoughts… I mean, I know a general ratio, as my negative thoughts are generally more than my positive ones. But I also like to think that 1 positive thought = 10 negative thoughts.

So, I’m excited to see what my therapist has to say about my data I collected, and I will work more on ‘counting’ my good/bad thoughts.

On another note, we are babysitting ‘Pittie’ again, and I just love him. He remembers our house rules, does awesome on the eCollar around our cats (I haven’t had to use it very much). He is such an awesome dog, and does wonderful things for Napoleon.

I’ll have to share our adventures next week.

Misdiagnosed

I saw my therapist today. I like her, she asks a lot of questions, and she really is qualified to help me unlike that other therapist. However, today was one of the most emotional days I have had in a while. Ups and downs, and then some news that I have been misdiagnosed all these years.

In Grade 2, I was diagnosed with ADHD. That was about 20 years ago. I didn’t know what that meant, all I knew was that my brain functioned at a higher level than everyone else’s. My brain thought faster.

Turns out, I DO NOT have ADHD, or I have this along with another mental illness: Bipolar Disorder Type II or Cyclothymia.  Both of these disorders are manic depression disorders that affect the mood.  My therapist is trying to figure out which disorder I have, but I don’t just have major depression (aka chronic depression), OCD and/or ADHD behaviors. I could also have obsessive compulsive habits, which many people have told me I do, but I would like a proper diagnosis. See, I was misdiagnosed before with chronic depression. Apparently, that is not the case.

I had an emotional day, and I’m ready to just collapse in a heap of confusion with my big yellow boy.

SilkFlowers

4-12-13 Here are some silk flowers I found at my therapist’s office

Oh, before I jump off – I found this poem on Darcy’s blog and it really describes how I feel sometimes. I sometimes have to fake it to make it.

I quite like myself
slouched over a television with a broken remote,
pale skin alive with glowing colors
at 3:33 in the morning

I think I am at my best
when I am hovered
over the kitchen sink just after dark
running hot water
over my raw fingers

I feel great
when I am sprawled across my bed
crying before I even wake up
sun pushing, unwanted,
through a dirty window

I am very happy with who I am
I say aloud in the car
all alone
while I consider driving into a tree
I am very happy with who I am