Opening Up

I met someone.

Remember the “best date” guy? Yeah, same dude. I don’t really want to see anyone else anymore. I really love spending all my free time with him. Even though I won’t openly call him my ‘boyfriend’. Which my roommates tease me about. Ok, here’s me admitting it…He might be slowly stealing my heart. Is that ok? Do I let him? Am I ‘allowed’ to? Remember that one time I said I didn’t want a relationship? Ugh, I’m so guarded. I think I’m scared. I’m scared of more hurt. I’m scared about my stupid mental illness fucking things up. Or being too guarded or damaged. Or the fact I was married/still married might be a problem. Ugh, I’m such a girl.

Well, I know what I want. But that doesn’t mean I’m not nervous. Still kind of hesitant about committing, but at the same time, I’ve been fighting this. Been telling myself I’m not ready. I don’t know if I am or not, but I know I don’t just want to string other people along for the principle of it. It feels like I have to give myself permission to love again. Like I wasn’t allowed to actually feel. Like, it’s wrong. But it shouldn’t be. I have to learn to let go. Learn to move on. Learn to love again. Part of the healing maybe? I don’t know. I still don’t know what I’m doing, but what I do know is I love how I feel when I’m with him. It’s easy…comfortable. I don’t have to hide who I am. So, I’m riding it. I’m letting it happen. And I’m going to see where it goes.

And I’m ok with that. I’m going to open up.

 

The Dating Game

I have been urged to date. To ‘get out into the game’. To ‘get back up on that horse’… so to speak. So, I’m dating. I have no idea what I’m doing. I don’t know what I’m looking for, but what I do know is that it’s fun most of the time. I enjoy meeting people. Seems I have to be extra clear on what I want though. What do I want? Do I want anything? Do I just want a quick fuck? A relationship? I think I’m scared of actual commitment. I don’t need that right now I don’t think. I just want to have fun.

Yeah, that’s what I want. I want to have fun. “Where do you see this going with us?” is kind of a deal breaker for me, I think. Don’t plan anything. Just go with it. Shit, just relax. Enjoy the moment. Who cares where this is going?

I’m trying out this Tinder thing. So far, I’ve had a couple fun dates, and some really bad ones. I guess you get the bad with the good, eh? I’m sure I’ll blog about anything monumental if anything does ‘go anywhere’, but I doubt it.

You know, the scared of commitment thing? I think I’m too damaged for a real relationship. But whatever, it’s about getting out of my comfort zone, right? I need to stop hiding. And this is part of the healing… right? dating game

So… here… we… GO!