Self Inflicted Torture

I have hit the wall this week. After going 7 months of having 2 jobs, working 60-100hr workweeks, and all the doggy-sitting I have been doing, my brain is finally done.

I ‘crashed’ on Tuesday. I finally was just physically and emotionally exhausted. I needed a recharge. I had some down with some sort of stomach bug, or maybe I was just exhausted, I don’t know. Either way, I stayed home. I should have used this day to rest, but instead, I was too busy worrying about all the work I was missing.

businessnewdaily.com_I feel I do this to myself. I say ‘Yes’ to everything. I want to babysit, I want to foster, I want to train, and sign up for classes and go to socials every Saturday. Rarely do I actually not work when I am home. This past weekend, I had a friend come, and I specifically didn’t work. I didn’t schedule training, and it was really fun. We did all kinds of things. Went to social, watched a movie, ate sushi, saw my parents (while I was playing with my 3 year old niece). Then, the Pittie I’m babysitting was dropped off a few hours after I got back from dropping my friend off at the airport.

I have signed up for an obedience course with Napoleon, a therapy-team course so he can be a registered therapy dog, and a canine theriogenology course. I’m excited for all of them, but I have also registered for a 4 day workshop regarding difficult dogs later in the summer. And I also plan to get my Dog Training Certification this year (was July, but it has been postponed since I registered for this other workshop).

I want to relax, I want to be able to STOP. But, it seems my brain keeps going, even when it is exhausted. So, I’m writing my blog, while listening to calming music on Spotify. It is helping, but my brain is still working. It never stops.

This week, I have broken down and cried 3 times, including today. This is normal for me when I ‘hit the wall’. But, in public, no one will ever know this side of me. I put on a smiling mask when I walk out the door and I’m a happy person.

This.Is.Exhausting. Pretending all the time. But, if I act the way I feel, people will feel pity and sorrow, and I will be judged and talked about, and then receive the unwanted type of attention.

Tuesday, I saw a few clients I really like. The family, and the dogs, that is. Both dogs are showing improvement, though one is more of a project. Normally, I would be excited to see both of these clients. When I don’t want to work, this is a pretty big red flag for me. I came home, and sat in my bed, and just turned my phone on and off for a few hours, then went to sleep.

I turn my phone on and off repeatedly for some reason. I don’t know. It just feels like every time the screen is black, I might miss a notification or an email. And I can’t do that, no-I can’t unplug for a few hours after I get home. I know-it sounds crazy. Maybe I’m crazy? But, I can’t unplug.

OVERWORK

If my husband takes my phone, and the power is out.. it feels like I am trapped, and then I have a panic attack. It has happened in the past, and I don’t want that to happen again.

It feels like I’m torturing myself on purpose. Am I? Sometimes, it’s easy to be comforted by the familiar feelings of solitude while you are depressed.

I’m just.. on the verge of tears a lot these days.. More so than this time last year, I can be sure of. But.. I can’t stop. Because I have clients counting on me, I have work that needs to be done, animals who need feeding, and a husband who is trying with all his might to help me through this. I can’t stop because of all of that. So, I pick myself up, and start it all over the next day.

Distracted Day

 

distracted

Today, I just feel distracted… I start working on something, and then I get pulled into something else. Or, I get distracted because of a phone call, an email, a text, facebook, or another work-related something.

I keep thinking about dogs. Haha, I’m always thinking about dogs. But today, I was excited about seeing one of my long-term doggie clients. He was recently neutered, so I was excited to see how his behavior is now. I haven’t seen him in a few weeks, so I also wanted to see he was progressing without me. I normally get to accompany him and his human-momma to class on Saturdays, but I won’t be able to attend this weekend. Rarely happens, but a series of different events led up to this moment. See? Now I’m thinking about the social this weekend.

**And then my coworker got my attention by making colonoscopy jokes. Ok, back to dogs.***

great-dane-puppy

Super cute dane puppy picture I found

My husband and I have been discussing getting a second dog, on and off really, for quite some time. We are ready, and then something financial happens. Or we are 100% on board, and then the dog gets adopted before we get there.  The puppy fell through (see my post on Great Dane Breeding), and I’m still disappointed. Though, I would much rather rescue anyway, instead of buy.

So, we are just putting it on the back burner, and letting it happen when it happens. Yes, I will continue looking, but it seems I just get my heart broken every time. I want to have a dog throughout its whole life. Go through the puppy stages, adolescence, adult stage, senior, and then make the final decision to terminate life when the time comes. I want to be there every step of the way, and be there the whole time. Someday… someday.

So, let’s do some self-searching, and talk about feelings again. Right now, in this moment:

-Distracted
-Sad, it’s an underlying constant
-No Motivation (not sure if this is a feeling, but meh). This started last night.
-Excited !!

Oh yeah! I’m babysitting a trainer friend’s dog this weekend, and he’s coming tonight. I’m excited for a few reasons.
1) Having a second dog over the weekend. That’s always fun for me.
2) Napoleon gets a playmate.
3) He’s a pittie, and I love this breed. Since he’s not my dog, I’ll say his name is ‘Dawg’
4) He’s a ‘teacher’ and will help Napoleon learn what is acceptable and what is not.

I’ll post about our adventures over the weekend on Monday. Oh, back to my emotion list…

-Nervous (About the cats and Dawg)
-Tired, I always feel tired these days
-Worried (My hubby is sick today and about money-constant)
-Annoyed at all the spam emails I have

Well, I think that sums it up for this exact moment in time. How is your day going?