In that moment, that’s all there is. There is literally nothing else going on. Nothing else I’m thinking about. In that moment, I’m totally raw, open, expressionless. I do not have anything else I could possibly give. To anyone. Exhaustion is an under statement.
In this moment, I am giving up. No anxiety, no depression, no joy or happiness. I guess one could call his contentment, yet the tears stream down without a word for this emotion. Defeat, maybe? I’m giving up. My tank is empty, fumes are gone. There is literally nothing left. This is the same feeling I had when I was medicated. Nothing.
It’s not like I’m not grateful for what I have, or what has happened. But being grateful also means bringing back the pain. Thinking about how far I’ve come reminds me of what it took to get here. The sacrifices I have made, the mistakes, the choices, the loss.
In this moment, I don’t feel grateful, but I’m not resentful either. I’m just here. I’m just a person with a story like everyone else. The only difference is I don’t want to tell my story anymore. I don’t want to shout it and be heard, I don’t want to figure it out, I don’t want to continue fighting. I surrender because there is nothing left I can give. I sit here silently and remember. I’ll listen to others’ stories and what they have to say, but I don’t want to give my input on how I’m feeling anymore.
I lay down and stare at the wall. The walls hold memories and feelings. The color of the paint, the smell of the house, plans that were made and never carried out, the promises that were said and then forgotten. The decorations, the type of dishes, the furniture, the type of soap in the bathrooms… they all have meaning or a memory. But I can’t bring myself to think about the meaning. Just the words that were said in certain rooms, the memories of things that have happened, and the decisions I made, the events that occurred after.
Reflection is a powerful thing. It can eventually send you into this raw, emotionless state where your body becomes numb. Feelings just don’t happen anymore. You’ve been stripped. The difference is this time, I don’t long for feelings anymore. I don’t just want the pain to stop, I don’t want to feel any of it. Including the joy and happiness. This raw, empty state is where clarity happens. Logic overcomes all emotion because there aren’t any. I want to preserve this state. Feelings aren’t the answer for me. And I want to be in this emotionless, empty state because it doesn’t hurt. I don’t need joy, the price is too high.
I need out of this. I need to get away from the memories and the feelings. The joy and the pain are symptoms of these memories. I don’t want them. Put me into a vegetable state subconscious coma so I can stay here. Void of all feeling.