Learning to Live Again and Letting Go

It’s funny how some distance makes everything seem small. The fears that once controlled us can’t get to us at all. It’s time to see what I can do. To test the limits and break through. I’m never going back. The past is in the past.

Sound familiar? I hope so. If not, you need to update your Disney song library. Anyway, there’s a reason I’m quoting this song. It’s really relevant to my life currently. I haven’t had balance of life and work since before I opened up my company. I haven’t known how, or wanted it. I do now. I’m taking a lot of joy in yard work, playing with my dogs again, doing normal house chores, planning bigger projects, cooking, reading, playing video games, watching shows, and yes-taking weekends. I wish there were more hours in the day, but I would fill them with more things. I’m also learning it’s ok to not fill every second with something and to just sit and not do anything for a while.

I’m setting up more appropriate boundaries with work vs. personal life like business hours and taking actual weekends to not answer client phone calls or emails. I’ve hired someone to help so I can leave town on my days off and not worry about everything. I mean, I still probably will in the beginning, but she’s shown great promise so far. She’ll be great.

I’m learning more about my walls, and where my internal boundaries lie. Some I need to let down, and others I need to adjust when it’s appropriate to keep them. I guess I didn’t realize how deep some of my wounds were. I’ve set up an impenetrable fortress. Some of it is a pride thing, sure. I don’t want to be used, hurt, abused, or used as a stepping stone again. But some of if is totally misplaced and hurts the people I love. I catch myself when I’m riding on a wall, and I’m actively letting it down for specific situations. This is kind of interesting to me because this is totally different for me. I haven’t let my walls down…ever, I don’t think. Learning curve for me.

I’m in a great place, but every once in a while, I get a pang of something I’ve lost along the way. Some things I’ve dealt with, some I haven’t. Small words, images, sounds, smells, sometimes they bring it back. Sometimes, it’s a bunch of things that remind me, and then all of a sudden, it’s like I’m reliving it.

My heart races, I can’t breathe, and all I can think about is going through all those feelings again. I’m carrying it around still. I’ve shoved a lot into a box, and I’m having to go through it now.

Speaking in literal terms, it started with opening up a box. It had reminders of parts of my life I’m needing to move on from. Not necessarily letting go of the death of my marriage, but letting go of a lot of guilt. Things that even though I had no control over, I blamed myself. This is a habit I get into when something doesn’t go as planned. The following few days after I opened that box there were signs that I hadn’t totally forgiven myself, or dealt with some emotions. I was just watching a show, and it hit me. I couldn’t breathe. And I was consumed by guilt and fear, and overwhelming sadness. I didn’t realize right away what it was, I just thought I was having an anxiety attack. (Yeah, I’m being vague, sorry.)

I needed to get away, I wanted to run away from everything. It was too much and I was afraid. Then I realized what it was that was bothering me. And once I realized what it was, I could calm down. I chilled out, I settled, and I also realized I’ll be stuck here unless I set down this baggage and move on. Acceptance. Before, it was flight. Now, I’m avoiding. Because I’m scared. But I don’t want to be in my fortress anymore. Buck up, Buttercup. It’s time to open the metaphorical ‘Pandora’s Box’ and deal with the unbalance, emotions, and really let it go. It’s a good thing. Because it means it’s holding me back, and I’m ready to face it and move forward with what the future brings. Still scary though…

Life is Great!

forestI love my place! That isn’t just referring to the house though! I love the property and the house, and I absolutely love the plans that are starting to form to make it really mine ours. But what I love more than all of that is where I am in my life. I found ME and what that means. Of course, I’ll always still be learning about myself, and how to improve and make life better and more balanced. But where I am, what’s happening, what plans are being made…I’m so happy with my life and where I’m going. And because I’m in that place, I’ve attracted the most amazing person I have ever met and get to share all that happiness and excitement with him. Little things every day remind me how far I’ve come, and where I want to go. I wanted to find someone who could handle my hectic lifestyle and keep up with me, but also slow down and just enjoy each other’s company when we have a few minutes. He’s a perfect match for me. He compliments my strengths and brings out the best in them. He also helps me with the things I struggle with and makes me want to be better. Every day, he silently reminds me I had to go through what I did to be where I am. I would never have been able to fully appreciate him and love him the way he deserves to be loved. I truly see him, and appreciate everything about him. Even doing yard work together is something I enjoy doing with him because we are building this life together. Life is good, and I see it getting even better.

Something I have struggled with since I started my company was the work-life balance. I’ve never actually had ‘balance’, but I never really felt I needed it…until now. I knew it would be tough, but I’m over the “new business struggle” and now I’m an established company who is growing, needs help, and I desperately want to have parts of my life back while still enjoying and loving what I do. I’m now working towards that ‘balance’ that I now realize I need to be happy. Not only do I need this for me, I need this to nurture all the other areas of my life. I devote a lot of time to one area, and another one is neglected. I want to give enough that all areas can grow and be ok. I want to LIVE now that I have sufficient means to do so.

robheatherRecently, there have been many events that have brought the sting of being ‘married to my business’ to the surface. It hurts. A lot. I want to go on vacation; I have to plan months in advance to go. I want to take a day off; sorry… no, you have a company to run. I’m sick; buck up, Chuck. I work anyway or nothing gets done. If I’m not here, I don’t get paid and business stops entirely. I want to take a break; sorry..no. You can’t because then I work until 10:00. I’m hoping with some new plans I have brewing, that will change within the next six months or so. Doesn’t stop the ‘now’ from reminding me there aren’t enough hours in the day for me to do everything I need/want to do. But I’m working on it. Patience. I’ll get there. Just keep truckin’.

Also realize I don’t have the ‘unwind’ time from leaving work and transitioning to home. Another battle of the ‘working from home’ mindset. Thinking after I lock up for the night, I need to find a transition activity. Most people’s activity is driving home from work, I need something else. Maybe that’s a good time to go running or biking. Huh..food for thought.

Anyway, haven’t written in a while, and needed to update. So, in short: Life is good. And it’s getting better.