Tag Archives: work

Emma

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Pendulum

A poem I found that really describes how I feel about the manic behaviors of being bipolar.

I’ve been a huge bitch lately. What is even worse – is that I don’t care. Is that bad? I really just want to curl up in a blanket, and put all the cushions of my couch over me, and pretend like I don’t exist. I just want it all to stop. Let the world keep going while I stop. I just want it all to all fucking end.

I have caused unnecessary fights with my husband. I have picked fights with friends and intentionally upset people. I regret almost every single thing that comes out of my mouth. I feel this way from time to time, but it usually gets better. For the last month or so, every day gets worse and worse. I am now a rude, hateful person.

I’m making mistakes at home, at training, and at my day job. I over analyze everything and read way too much into each little thing someone tells me. I have irrational thinking, mind reading, I’m emotional, and I have selective listening. There are medical terms for all of those things, but basically, I’m depressed.

I feel physical pain when getting up in the morning. I relive every single thing that happened the day before and start to feel sick because I read too much into every interaction I had with a person and pick out my faults. I analyze every bad thing that is happening and read into it to find out why it happened. Because I’m pessimistic and I’m over analyzing and using non-productive thinking patterns, I blame myself.

Between my friends, the fights with my husband, Ryder, things happening at work, correcting a dog not enough or too much… my fault and I just want it all to end. I can’t stop. I’m manic. Now that I actually know what that means.

I have posted this video before, but I felt I needed to post it again. This is a pretty good representation of what it means to have any mental disorder, so I wanted to share it again.

I’m drowning and I can’t get out. I want to throw up, but I can’t. I want it to stop, but it won’t. I want to kill myself, but I won’t do it. I don’t want to continue going through the motions, but I do. Why do I even try? Because I have to. Because I know that it will get better. I know it will because it always does, but I’ll just spike up again. And take on too much, and then I’ll ‘crash’ again. The highs are like mountains, and the lows are like cliffs.

I have a friend who named the ‘down side’ of her bipolar disorder. I told my therapist about this, and she said because I was high functioning and intelligent, I can differentiate between which stage I am in. I have 2 ‘sides’ to every thought I have. A positive thought and a negative thought. Every thought I have, I have these 2 sides having a conversation before I can even make sense of it. It’s exhausting. She said it might help if I name mine as well. So we did.

There are 10 different negative thinking patterns: Mental Filter, Jumping to conclusions, Mind Reading, Fortune-telling, Labeling, Personalization/Blame, “Should have/Would have” statements, Emotional reasoning, magnification, Discounting the positive, over generalization, all-or-nothing thinking.

My therapist picked out the thinking patterns I use the most when I am depressed, and my personality is named:

Emotional Reasoning
Mental Filter
Mind Reading
All or nothing thinking

Go away, Emma.

And here’s a song I was listening to today that really helped me write this blog today.

Why do I want to be a dog trainer?

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I get this question asked a lot. ‘How/why did you get into dog training?’ Well, it was because of a dog, of course.

I have always loved animals, and especially dogs… and puppies! But within the last few years, I realized I haven’t been entirely happy with my life. Why? I make good money, I have a great husband, and our lifestyle is awesome. We have a house, and I’m living the American Dream. Well, almost. I wasn’t doing what I love.

Dane

Not Albert, but this dog kind of looks like him.

This realization hit me when I was taking Napoleon in for his post-surgery checkup after he was diagnosed with Mast Cell Cancer last year. I was a client of the Banfield hospital, located within Petsmart. On that very day, a local rescue called Lost Paws had their adoption day within Petsmart. They brought with them an emaciated, timid black Great Dane. His name was Albert.

I’m already partial to Danes, but for some reason, this one … spoke to me. He looked at me with his sad eyes, and they said, ‘help me. Please. Help me.’. I sat with him, and talked to him, and completely fell in love with this dog. His spirit was broken, his body was a wreck. He had been left outside to fend for himself, so he had sores on his body from the pavement. He was an intact 3 year old male with little to no training. However, he had a very calm demeanor, and seemed to be fearful of a lot of things: cats, people, other dogs, cars, the leash, kids, etc. I was in love with him. We connected immediately, and I told the person I needed to talk to my husband.

I could socialize this dog. I could let him have a wonderful life with us. I could clean him up and tell him that it’s ok to be scared sometimes, but with me – he would have nothing to be scared about. I would train him, and socialize him, and help him, and show him love. He could be happy and he would do well with us.

I told my husband about him, already knowing that he might not be ok with this. He asked me, ’How do you plan to get him home?’. I hadn’t thought that far ahead yet. He was a Dane, and I had a small car. . . with my other large dog. He asked me if he was crate-trained. I wasn’t sure. Potty trained? Again, I wasn’t sure. Any training at all? Probably not. Seems the cards were against me, since my husband and I both worked during the day.

undeweight dane

Again, not Albert, but he was this underweight

I cried, and fought, and tried to get my way for Albert. I don’t mind having an untrained dog, especially with the temperament Albert had. However, I understand where my husband was coming from. We didn’t have the time to train him. To socialize him and give him the time this boy needed to get better. It wasn’t fair. I wanted to help so badly.

During this time, I realized this is where I belonged. Helping animals, saving them, and getting them into better positions. I looked into being a vet technician, helping shelters and rescues, and being a dog trainer.

At first, I wanted to get into the medical field as a veterinarian. That was my dream as a kid. But when I realized you had to go to school for 12 years, and then you spend ½ your income on liability insurance, and malpractice insurance, and then you have to open up your own practice… it just seemed daunting. So, again, I’m faced with this decision.

I did research to become a veterinary technician and I was fascinated. I looked into a school very close by…and realized the cost for an Associates degree in Veterinary Technology was as much as my Bachelor’s Degree was… I’m still paying those off. This became less of a possibility. Though, I didn’t lose hope, and I was determined.

I applied for about a hundred scholarships. Then, I did more research into other fields and possibilities in the animal industry and realized what I really want to do. Train and rehabilitate difficult dogs. I am interested in rehabilitation training for dogs who have been best, unsocialized, attacked, and just needed help. I want to also do therapy training, guard training, aggression training and help in an animal rescue. I’m still interested in the medical side of things as well, but the deeper I get into the training world, the more I love it.

Yes, I have been overwhelmed at times, but it’s not because of the task of training a difficult dog (which I’ll write about later), it’s because I am working so many hours a week, and it feels like it will never end. It feels like sometimes, I’m not making enough of a difference and that even though I’m already working 60+ hours a week, I’m not doing enough.

This is the reason why I have registered for more classes. I feel like I can do more. I can learn more, I can participate more. The more I do, the more I am valued. Though, I know this isn’t really true, but it’s the way I feel. The more classes I take, the more educated I can become, the more valued I am in the dog industry.

I want to be great. I will be great. I am just at the tip of the iceberg though. And I’m ok with that. I have a lot to learn, but I am surrounded by a great support group, and have some awesome trainers in my area who will help me get there. The hardest point for me is that I am progressing so slowly (in my opinion). I want to just learn and study and practice all day, every day. But I have a job. I have a career, and I have responsibilities. I cannot abandon them.

So, I am going as quickly as time will allow without jeopardizing my current position, or my family life. It is difficult, but I will eventually get there. I just have to keep telling myself there is light at the end of the tunnel. I will do this full time… eventually. And I will be great… eventually. Everyone has to start somewhere, and I think I am on the right path.

Training Doubts

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Picture of the blonde after I’m all ‘done up’.

Feeling actually pretty good today. Excited for a super awesome break coming up this weekend. I’ll tell you all about it next week. It is the hubby’s birthday on Friday, and I got him something cool. I also realized it is our ‘dating anniversary’ tomorrow. We went on our first ever date tomorrow, 6 years ago.

Our date was incredibly awesome. We went bowling really late at night, and then went to Denny’s afterwards. He invited me to his 21st birthday party, which I politely declined, as I wasn’t into the drinking scene… then. Anyway, we had a wonderful time, with lots of random jokes, and awkward feelings. I didn’t know it was a date, I thought we were just hanging out as friends. He didn’t feel that way, apparently. Haha, aw man – those were the days. J

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Good picture of the way it looks after I shaved the sides and back. 🙂

On another note, I shaved the back and sides of my head (not all the way down, but it’s cute!) and also dyed it platinum blonde.  Spontaneity – go go! I LOVE IT!!

______________________

Today was another ‘I can take on the world and then regret it later’ day. Keep thinking about how I might be bipolar. Is this something bipolar folks do? Think they can do everything, and then … crash? I don’t know a lot about it yet, but I do know I just want answers.

I also registered for my therapy-team handler’s course today. Napoleon and I are registered and I will take the non-dog section on the 11th of May. I’m excited, but nervous that Napoleon might fail. He has a thing about food. Very motivated, and I lose all his attention if I’m not the one holding the food.

We registered for an obedience course with another trainer, and I think that will help. She is an awesome trainer, and I can learn a lot from her. I really like this trainer. She is honest and up front, but respectful of your feelings and what you have been taught previously. She knows I am a new trainer, and has been where I am now. She knows the daily struggles I face [with training] and wants me to succeed. I recommend her a lot in my area for aggression and cases that are too advanced for me right now.

photo (1)I still have a lot to learn, and I know that. I’m a newbie trainer, but I do know a lot about different aspects of canine behavior, training, and leadership training. I want to advance what I know, and help in more ways than what I am doing now. I also registered for another course with a different training facility about working with difficult dogs. I wanted to go last year, but I couldn’t afford it, and I didn’t have the time off to put towards it. I have to use 3 days of my PTO to do this course, so it will take me 3 months to get back this time. I needed this time to do my certification program in July, and it looks like it will be post-poned until October-November. That’s ok, I have an opportunity to take this course now, and I don’t know if I will later. So, I’m doing it!

I know I’m not a bad trainer, because I have a lot of happy clients, who keep coming back. Referrals, and people who write testimonials for me. But I can do better. I can learn more, I can work with Napoleon more, and I can keep training. I won’t give up. No matter if people say things that hurt my feelings, I have my clients who appreciate what I do. That gives me hope in believing that I am doing something right. I can’t be failing that bad if I have people who say I’m great… right? Or are they just saying that to be nice? I hope not.. I want honest feedback, and I want to honestly help people with their dogs. I look back at where I was a year ago… and I smile. I have come so far, and I know so much more!

I keep looking forward. Where will I be a year from now? Will I double my knowledge? Will I work with difficult dogs, or aggression? Not that I’m excited to work with dogs like that, but at the same time – I want to handle anything a canine can throw at me. I want to know everything.

Ah, see? Here I go – taking on the world again.. *sigh*… I’m taking my therapy course, my obedience course, the difficult dog workshop, and I also signed up for a Canine Theriology course… May is going to be one busy month.  Too late to back down now…

Took this while I was at the salon.

Took this while I was at the salon.

Burned Out

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Have you ever experienced a complete burn out? Where you can’t think anymore? Your brain feels like you can’t hold any more information? You have no motivation to continue on? Nothing is enjoyable anymore? Basically, you are done. Just can’t do anymore. Physically, mentally, spiritually…

I have. I am going through one…again.

This will be my second burn-out in 3 years. I am doing too much. No down time, just work. Different types of work though: Day job, home life, owning a business, and managing my own well being. I am so happy I don’t have kids, because they would starve right now. It feels like no matter how productive I am, I just can’t keep up. Just too much work. Stupid work, stupid money, stupid stress – all those things prevent us from doing what we want to do.

Blurry rocks

A picture of some rocks I found outside of my office

Sometimes, I just want a day where I can curl up in a corner and just not do a single thing. And when I do decide to come out of my cave, the world has kindly stopped for me, so I don’t have any catching up to do. Weekends are filled with paperwork and ‘catching up’ for things I didn’t have time for during the week. Like housework, bills, and paperwork for my business. Vacations aren’t vacations at all. They are just approved procrastination days. So that when I come back, I am bombarded with fires, and mountains of tasks that need to be done.

It’s overwhelming. Yes, I have PTO that I could use to give myself a much needed down-day. However, I am trying to save that time so I can spend two weeks taking a course to get my dog training certification. It’s an exhausting, dangerous game I am playing. I need a day for my mental health, but refuse to spend one.

On any average day, I usually work about 14 hours. On weekends, I work about 5 hours total. Last week, between my business and my day job, I pulled about a 150hr week. Over the weekend, I worked about 30 hours. Paperwork, finances, actual training, website stuff, updating statuses for my business on Facebook, purchasing new equipment, creating a new Google+ account, studying, organizing, printing, researching, shopping, etc… it doesn’t end. I have been doing this 14-16 hr daily schedule for the last 6 months. And I don’t see an end in sight yet…

I’m overwhelmed. Seems to be a new trend within my life recently… What do you do to relax when this happens?

ADHD Day

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Here’s a day in the life of a person who has ADHD (and on that note, I honestly think my dog has it too. Yes, I’m serious, and yes, it’s real in dogs). Here’s a commentary of one of my normal days…(Including my thinking process)

Every time I start something, I want to do 10 other things.

I start working, and I realize I haven’t posted on my blog yet.

So, I open up a new tab, and open up my blog. Then someone comes over to my desk to tell me that my new business site looks really good.

Oh Thanks! As a matter a fact, I’m going to go look at my business site. Yeah, you are right, it looks great… except for that-wait. What’s that?

Work forgotten, I start working on my website.

While I’m working on my site, my friend messages me on Google Talk and tells me she’s on Facebook and see’s something cool.

So I go to Facebook to check it out. Oh, haha- yeah, that’s pretty funny. Thanks friend. Types message to friend to tell her it’s really funny. Oh, I have 14 new notifications on my Facebook account. Checks them.

Huh, work phone is ringing. Answer phone, work related conversation. So, I get off the phone, create a development ticket, do the ticket, and then realize I have emails in my Outlook. Start answering email…

Oh! I got a notification on my phone – new email to Pawsitive Dog Training. Great! Check that… starts answering email…

Umm, I have to pee. *tick tock… tick tock* Ok, I’m back. What are all these emails doing on my screen… Oh! I was in the middle of finishing and sending them.. Right! Continues email…

TiberiusI look over and realize my bearded dragon’s cage is dirty. Hmm, ok, let’s clean that….

Yay, all clean! Oh! I need to answer all my Facebook notifications. Realizes there are now 28 new notifications…Hmm.*.  Starts checking notifications… 

Oh yeah! Work! Closes Facebook, does some work.

Remembers I had emails sitting, waiting to be sent. Finishes one of them – work related.

(*Thinking…. In my head… realizing all the things I have to do today… update my blog, go to the butcher to get dog food…Max is getting neutered today… go to the bank.. CRAP! Oh… I have to make sure my dog gets a walk today… it’s kind of mandatory. *)

Ok, back to work… Oh, I don’t want a yahoo account anymore. Let’s close it out. Now, we have to change all the emails on every online account I have. Bank, utilities, online doggie forums, student loans, Vistaprint, Living Social, Pinterest, Facebook, online banking software… the list keeps going. So, I do that, and in the meantime, realize I’m hungry…

*Eats triscuits* Mmm. I like those. I’m eating the Fire Roasted Tomato and olive Oil ones. OH MAN! Those are good with some cheese. CHEESE! I have some at home, maybe I’ll have a vegetarian quesadilla tonight. Yeah, that sounds good.

Oh! Work! Right! Ok, just do some work. …Finally sends other email, and does some real work.

10 minutes later

Cool, did some work. I have a voicemail on my work phone, and my cell phone says I have a text message. I should really put that thing on silent. . . puts phone on silent. Checks text message… Oh, that reminds me: I need to update my status on Facebook for my business page and update the Tip of the Week on my business webpage. Does that…Realizes there are more notifications on Facebook to check… Checks those… responds.

OH! The voicemail. Ok…work! Checks voicemail. Woah! Someone yelled at me in the voicemail. Ok, call them back… explain it’s not our fault. MOVE ON WITH LIFE. Shake it off.

Oh! It’s time to go home.. well, do all the stuff I was thinking about yesterday! Yay! CRAP! Tiberius didn’t get his crickets…feeds Tiberius crickets. Crickets need food, too… so…feed crickets.

Wow, I’m exhausted! Just a day in the life of an ADHD individual. Lots of work done, but not much to show for it…

Depression Suppressor

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I have recently been thinking of things to help suppress the depression while I’m at home. There are so many days where I just want to come home from work and sleep. Or sit in a corner and not do anything. But, alas, I have responsibilities.
Like walking the dog, making dinner, feeding the animals, brushing the cats’ coats and teeth, trimming all their nails, and overall, just managing a household. A household of 2 humans, and 3 furbabies. No, that may not seem a lot to someone who has a house full of children and furkids, but in my experience with dealing with depression, getting just one thing done in a day is an achievement. Something to be proud of. You want toPS3 Controller stop the world from spinning sometimes, and just have a moment.

So, I have compiled a list of things that I HAVE to do. No matter what. A checklist helps when I am REALLY having a bad day. As long as do these things, I will feel like I have accomplished something.

– Personal hygiene: Shower, brush teeth Just the bare minimum sometimes to get through the day.
– Feed the animals.
– Eat dinner.
– Take at least 1 hour while at home to do something that does not involve work. Examples: Video game,     television episode, read a book, snuggle with dog.
– Go to work.
– *BIGGEST CHALLENGE: On Saturdays, go to my doggie social class.

Bare minimum, people. Sometimes, just doing those things is a significant challenge. Especially if I’m having a bad start on my Saturdays… which is actually one of my worst days since I legitimately feel like I don’t even have to make my bare minimum list.

Does anyone else have a ‘bare minimum list’ they use to get through the day when they are trapped?

Overwhelmed

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It seems the harder I try to make a difference in the dog training world, the more depressed I get. I have so much to learn, it feels like I am drowning in all the knowledge. I think I get ahead of the game by reading a bunch of training books, taking notes, watching seminars, going to social class on Saturday.  Then, I get one little piece of advice from another trainer. One sentence on a dog I have been working on, that’s all it takes. My whole world comes crashing down onto me. I failed…again.

I work and learn, and practice, and then execute on others’ dogs, and then I do see improvement within a week or so. More importantly, the client sees it. I’m thanked, and I’m happy with myself. This tiny moment makes me happy. I’m proud of the accomplishment the client and dog have made. And then I explain to another trainer what I have done. And instead of saying, ‘Wow, you made great progress’, they say something like, ‘Well, you should have been progress within a few minutes’. My hopes, dreams, and all the work I have done … crushed. *Poof*. Gone. And I’m back in my place of feeling worthless and unimportant.

After this happens, I’m swallowed again by the darkness and I feel small and the world would be better without me. I’m a waste of resources. There are better trainers out there, why does the world need me? I get myself all worked up feeling this way, usually crying the rest of the day, and feeling like I want to throw up. This makes my husband angry, and usually we end up fighting. I understand he doesn’t want me to pity myself and to ‘get back up on that horse’. It’s not his fault, I know – he just doesn’t like to see me sad. But I’m always sad on the inside. I just wear my happy mask and try to pretend while I am around people.

I JUST WANT TO BE GREAT! And I have always been willing to put in the effort. I study almost every day, I try to network with other trainers, I try to figure out my next steps. I don’t want a miracle, or just to magically become an awesome trainer. I enjoy learning about different techniques and methods, and I want to learn from other trainers. I want to breathe dog training. This is so much fun for me… but I don’t know if I can make it in the real world. It seems every single force there is, is trying to stop me.

Why do I continue? It’s easier to just give up. To just be a follower, don’t even try. I can’t face the rejection. Why?

Because this is what I want. And I want to put in the time and effort to make it. I love doing it, and it gives me a few moments of happiness. Those few moments are enough for me to get up, take the ‘abuse’ as I like to call it. The world is abusing me. . . and I just have to take it. I have no other choice.